The Last Straw

I flicker my eyes open as I try to catch my ragged breath. It's like I've been running a marathon or being chased by a giant bug.

Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. Panting heavily, I feel another person's presence on the soft satin bed.

I moved a bit, then regretted making the sudden jerking movement. I sigh after seeing that the other person only stirred, still lost somewhere I dreamland.

I twist to face him.

I took my hand from where it originally was and let it wander down his well toned arms then letting it rest abruptly inside his big soft, warm hand. I closed my eyes for a second, feeling the relaxing warmth. I let my eyes roam his beautiful face. Adoring his eyebrows, his eyelids, his nose, the thick coarse hair growing on top of his upper lip, then his soft warm lips.

With my hands still inside his, I feel relaxed, happy, sated. The feeling was overwhelming, like a sudden surge of strong waves, the sudden gust of forceful winds on a calm, quiet night.

Being here, snuggling in his strong arms was beyond my wildest dreams.

I never really thought I'd get to touch him, hug him, kiss him, snuggle in bed with him like I am doing now. I never really thought I could get someone like him to notice a poor little soul like me. I never really thought I would be the one he comes home to and be his crying shoulder when the battles he fought were too much for him.. I never really thought I could make him happy and make him forget about the real worries of his so-called life. I never really thought I could love him and be loved back a hundred fold.

But the sudden throbbing in my head snaps me back to reality.

The pain was too much..too strong...

The drum-like rhythm in the depths of my brain was like a bomb ready to explode anytime. I clench my jaw hoping to keep the noise from escaping my throat. I quickly freed my hand from his and held on to the sheets tightly looking for some sort of support.

The drum-like rhythm in my brain was a reminder of the things I must be doing now before I fall deeper back and get swallowed by the feelings I have for the man beside me.

I quickly grabbed the five multi colored pills from under my pillow and swallowed them in one big gulp. There was no need for water since I have done this more than just a few times.

The pain in my head subsides ever so slowly this time, but not the pain in my heart.

I wanted to stay a little longer, just a little while longer, but the horrid picture of me thrashing about because of the pain, and the support and time and attention I might be needing when the cancer swallows me whole and gets the best of me is just not something I want him to put up with. He has so much to live for, so much he can do, so much he should experience. And, being tied up to me and my illness would destroy the life and the bright future he deserves to live.

Someday, I tell myself, someday, he will understand. Someday, I try to coax myself, he will know that I'm doing this to save him the pain.

Finally, I lift myself off the bed and dragged myself towards the closet. Without a sound, I opened his closet door and pulled out the suitcase I've been keeping there for days and days now.

For the last time, I turn to the man sleeping soundly in bed and feel my heart starting to constrict and beat in an abnormal rhythm as memories flash before my very eyes.

“I have something to say”, he blurted out nervously as they sat in his living room couch.

I waited for him to collect his thoughts.

“I think.. No.. I know I am falling in love with you..”, he whispered.

I smiled, trying to hold back the tears. I did not say a thing. It's not that I did not like it nor feel the same way, it's just that I've got my mind set on leaving for my sake, for his sake.

I wanted so much to hug him and say those words right back, but ours was a love that only knew a tragic ending.

That day, I cursed at the doctor who said I only had months to live.

I cursed at the surgeon who said there was nothing he could do.

I cursed the cancer for choosing me out of the billions on earth.

I cursed Fate for making our paths cross again and rekindling this suppressed feeling I have for you.

I cursed Love for making me find ways and reasons to live despite the odds.

I cursed God for wanting to take me away too soon when there are dreams I have to live out with you. Dreams of a family, a white house with tall windows, sending our kids to school together in a family van, of going to concerts together, of Saturday dinners in our front porch and so many more...

But there was no use asking questions now, there's no use hating and getting angry. Because in all my life, I was happiest when I was with him. And that's the only memory I cherish until that fateful day.

He cannot hear me say this, but my heart beats only for him. And because of him, I found the reason to fight and live on, but there are things that are beyond our control. I wanted to spend the rest of my dying days with him, but I don't want him to see me as someone weak. Most of all, I did not want him to see me this way and I don't want me to be the cause of his pain.

I might be leaving, but I'll continue living somewhere where the memories of him and me and our love can keep me strong and happy.