Ahhck!! Mianhe guys. I don’t know how I came up with this, but it just popped in my brain one booz and cigarette filled night. I guess misery loves company, and so I chose Hyunjoong to go down the black hole with me.

I am not posting this up in PB yet because I need to know if this is any good or if I’ll be burned at the stakes by the Hwangbo fans. I am a Hwangbo fan myself, so I thought it is unacceptable to do this or write something like this.

This is entirely based on a song (called Evidence) by one of my favorite bands—Urbandub (Cebuanos represent!! Much love and respect to you!!). It is a killer song, but very realistic.

Oh, by the way, this is for Bee because like I said, misery loves company.

And because it's Bee's request: Evidence by Urbandub

“Then what are we?”, he asked as he buttoned his white dress shirt.

“Tell me, Hyejung, what are we?”, now, in a more demanding tone.

Hyejung dramatically wrapped the silk blanket around her naked body and crawled across the king sized bed.

“Joongie..”, she whispered, holding on to his hand tightly. When she was face to face with him, she gently stroked his face, then wrapped her arms around his upper body.

“Please try to understand…”, she rested her cheek on Hyunjoong’s chest, as if listening to his heart, beating softly.

Her warmth, her scent was intoxicating.

“I’m not ready for a relationship yet. I’m afraid.”, she squeezed him tighter, closing whatever space was left between their bodies. “I’m afraid of destroying your career, of destroying mine. I’,m afraid of your fans, of your management company.”

She need not say all her reasons because all his defences crumbled once she wrapped him in her sweet embrace.

It was not the first time she said those reasons, and it was not the first time he asked that question. Her reasons were different each time and were entirely unacceptable because time and again, he told her he was willing to give up everything he had to be with her.

Perhaps, that was not enough. Perhaps, he will never be enough.
He quickly picks up his car keys from the coffee table. It’s been a tiring week and nothing seemed to be going right.

He tried hiding from people, but what can he do? The life and profession he chose required that he be hamming it up for the camera at all times and be surrounded by different people leaving him less and less time for himself, leaving less and less time to be himself.

It was difficult to pretend that he was happy when deep inside the pain was overflowing and there was a cut so deep, so raw, he thought he died the moment the realization dawned upon him.

Time has a way of healing, or so they say. So, why am I still left here, crying? Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare. I find there's no real place for me to hide.

On most of his nights, he went out to drown his sorrow in booz, but the more he gulped, the more bitter the taste of the alcohol got.

He thought pretending would help, and for a second, it was fine. For a moment, there was no pain, no feeling, but once the numbness in his heart melted away, it all came flooding back—the memory, the shock, the pain.

When he wakes up in the morning, it is the first thing he remembers. And before he closes his eyes at night, it haunts him and it lingers, even until he falls asleep.

As the night deepens, he wakes up, panting, out of breath, shivering, hands shaking because it kills him little by little when he remembers what he saw with his own eyes.

Well I've been trying in vain. I was only fooling myself. With each passing day, the pain still stays the same.

So, he drives today. Where? He does not know. He just drives, and drives, and drives.

The memories seep in as the cool night wind blows on his face. He hits the steering wheel.

B.ulls.hit!, he screams inside his head. He steps on the brakes letting the car skid on the slippery highway.

He tightens his grip on the wheel, feeling his heart pounding inside his chest.

What more is it that you need? Right now, clearly, it's not me. With every minute that I gave to you, the punches that I took from you, why was there no warning, love?

His heart bled. There was no sign, no heads up. She did not just break his heart, she tore it into pieces.

He never really saw it coming because all the while they seemed fine, they were happy—or so he thought. He gave her all his love, all the time he could spare, all of him. But after all that, she never really seemed to return his love.

He stared blankly ahead, headlights of cars passing by nearly blinding him. There were many questions he wanted to ask her, things he needed to find out.

When everything seemed alright, you turn and break my heart. Didn't I deserve your love?

He heaved. Sighing, as pictures of her and that other man came flashing like warning signs in his head. His face flushed bright red with anger, remembering her moans as that other man pleasured her.

It kills me inside to think of his arms wrapped around you now, is he a better lover than I?

He revs up the engine again, driving aimlessly again. He lets out a sarcastic laughter, thinking, how foolish he was. Thinking, he should have known right from the start. Thinking, he should have seen it when she was not willing to commit.

Well, I've been trying in vain. I was only fooling myself. With each passing day, the pain still stays the same.

Hyunjoong fervently remembers what happened that night. He parked his car on Hyejung’s drive way. Quickly, jumping out. He missed her so badly, he thought he would surprise her. Flowers in one hand and an expensive chocolate brown Chowchow pup on the other. He found the key to her door from under the rug, but the lights were out. Maybe she went out, he thought. But there was a faint yellow light from her bedroom door. And there were hushed talks and soft moans. He knew he should not have opened it, but he did.

It was Hyejung and her lover on the bed where Hyunjoong first made love to her, on the bed where Hyunjoong first confessed his love for her, on the bed where he proposed to her countless times.

The shock on her face was priceless. In fact, she quickly got up and ran towards Hyunjoong. She shamelessly begged him, but the dagger has pierced his heart already, and as she spoke and cried, it was like she kept on twisting the dagger, digging deeper. Too deep that it would kill him once it was pulled out.

Caught you in the arms of another. I've found out about you.

Now, Hyunjoong dims his headlights and slows to quiet down the engine as he enters the neighborhood.

His heart races as he sees the light from a certain bedroom.

‘It’s past midnight already, could she be alone?’, he wondered.

‘Is he with her right now?’, he asks himself.

He does not know why he keeps coming back, but he just does.

Time has a way of healing, or so they say. So, why am I still left here?
So, what do you guys think?

At least, I'm not as brutal as the video.

Sweet Dreams Or A Beautiful Nightmare

This one is so random.

I woke up at dawn because of Jeremy and Sony (phone slash alarm clock), bewildered. I was like whoah, did I just dream about Yunho and Heechul? Nyahahaha!

If you guys don't know yet, these two are from the bestest boy groups in South Korea, DBSK and Super Junior respectively.

I was resting my eyes last night, so I left my Sick-o (lappy) to eat. When I came back, Mr. Norton said Sick-o was due for a scan session and started scanning.

I was loudly complaining about how long it took then my younger but bigger brother gave me that stare (makuha ka sa isang tingin stare of his). He said, 'Daghan man gud kaayo na ug sulod imong laptop 'te. Videos ni Hwangbo, SuJu... Songs nga Kinoreano.. Pictures pa gyud na super kadaghan! Ipang delete na ang uban, kanang way ayo..'(You have too many files saved in your laptop, like videos of Hwangbo and SuJu, Korean songs, and so many pictures. Delete those that are not needed and those with low quality) I was about to protest, but if I did, I was afraid he was going to delete those for me.

So I quietly sat in front and started browsing through my files. Omo, you would not guess what treasures I found. Sorry, Sorry and Get Hot videos. Even fan made videos of Joongbo. But the most surprising ones were old pictures of me and my friends, and an adolescent picture of my crushes, together!!



For almost a year now, I've been swooning over Yunho (Xman and Loveletter) and two years maybe for Heechul (Golden Bride).

After I sorted through my files, I went to bed and fell asleep right away.

I woke up in the airport. I seemed to be waiting for my flight. In front of me were two good looking guys—Yunho and Heechul. I did not know it was them at that time since I was still groggy from sleep. Yunho smiled at me. I blinked once, twice, then I realized I was face to face with DBSK Leader, U-know Yunho!

Heechul snickered, “You're drooling!”

I immediately covered my mouth and looked away, 'No, I wasn't', I thought as I touched my dry lips.

No, you're not”, Yunho reassured me. I glared at Heechul who continued laughing.

I'm sorry.”, he continued giggling, “I was just kidding”

That's when I realized he was Heechul. 'Is this heaven?', I asked myself.

I'm Yunho and this is my good friend, Heechul. And you are?”, Yunho politely held out his hand for a handshake which I took—waaah his hands weren't soft at all, they were hard, but smooth.

Nadene. Koreans, right?”, I asked pretending not to know them.

They both nodded.

Well, I did not know Koreans were rude”, I smirked, still glaring at Heechul because really, I was pissed and I must admit I am a grouch when I wake up.

Sorry. Heechul hyung was just being funny”, Yunho apologized for his still laughing friend.

I said nothing.

Are you going to Cebu?”, Yunho asked.

I nodded completely mesmerized with how nice and yummy looking he was, “How did you know?”

He pointed at my ticket.

Right, it said Cebu—in big red bold letters. How stupid can I get?

We're going there, too.”, he smiled.

Boy, was I blown away.

Vacation?”, I asked.

Yunho and Heechul nodded eagerly.

Where in Cebu?”, I asked focusing only on Yunho despite Heechul's charming smile.

Errr, we do not know yet..” Yunho grinned.

This is a random trip”, Heechul chymed in.

Wait, are you also visiting Cebu?”, Heechul asked.

No, it's where I live.”, I answered haughtily.

GREAT!”, Heechul grew more excited, “Then you can give us a tour!”

Why would I want to do that?” I snarked at him, although if it was Yunho who asked me, I'd say yes in a flash.

Because Heechul hyung is sorry. And, we'd really love to see all of Cebu.”, Yunho gave me a sheepish grin.

I don't wanna go with your friend named Heechul.”, I told Yunho. “He's rude and a prankster..”

YAH!!”, Heechul stood up. “I'm trying to be nice already. And how old are you anyway, 25, 26?”

26”, I raised my eyebrows, feeling my blood boil when he spoke, “Why?”

Then I'm older than you. Show some respect. Call me Oppa.”, he crossed his arms across his chest proudly.

Please, Nadene?”, Yunho begged

I looked at Yunho—waaaaaaah!! he was too gorgeous.

Then at Heechul who made faces at the child sitting on the next row of chairs—he was too cute!!!

La-ba-la-ba-la bamba!! dfngfngnmgdg (Spanish lyrics that I cannot understand)

Da-da-da-daee... Da-da-da-daee... eiiiii...(Hwangbo's Get Hot)

Then I woke up to the sounds of Jeremy and Sony's alarms.


My sweet dream and handsome nightmares...nyahahahha..

How we understood each other (them being Koreans who spoke less English and me being someone who can only speak a few Korean words like Oppa, Appa, Omma, Unnie, Noona, Annyeong, Komapta, Moollah, and a few others..)? I have no clue...

But we did, in my dreams!!!


First, I just have to do this:

Kahansamnida *bows*

I really did not think people will actually read those fics because they were stamped REJECT after I re-read them. So, thanks for reading and visiting my blog. Hugs and kisses to y'all.


Gaga: Thanks for your comments on both Accidents 2.5 and Blush, and also for my Yunho fangirling posts. You seem to be reading my mind.. Nyahahha...

Nvrsayalvida: Awwwww, thanks for taking the time to visit my blog and liking my fic.

Athena5914: Ooh, I'm glad I made your day a tad bit happier. Kahit naman inaaway-away mo ako at pinipilit agawin c yunho sa akin, nagsulat pa din ako ng happy fic... Cge, pabayaan na kita for now... Pero tandaan mo, akin pa din ang huling halakhak...

Ryuuki: Hi 5!!! Awww, thanks for the comment. I really did not think people would read Blush because oh well, it was after all a REJECT. I'm really loving your story (Dream Concerto), too. I would love it even more if you give us an update everyday. Nyahahha... And that was not a demand, but a request... :-)

segway...Lovekathy21: I'm so head over heels in love with U-know who kath... Waaaah, our boy with crooked teeth is now a handsome Ahjussi.. Male version ng: the baby is now a lady. Kekekeke^^

Hmmmm, I was silently staring at my laptop yesterday after posting Blush in my blog, dreading to go back to work. Then this idea came up, so I opened a new word document and decided on the title, but that was it. It was just an empty word document until the end of the day.

Good thing work was boring, so I got enough time to explore and think about the possibilities. Hammering myself with questions like: What was she doing in a cozy little nook in Pusan when SS501 is said to be going there tomorrow for a fan signing?

Tada!! This is the product of Bruha's silly imaginations.

I hope this is not too confusing. Those italicized parts are mostly things that happened in the past, things our heroine is trying to recall.

Please let me know what you think... Leave me some comments...Pretty please??

Ideas, Suggestions, Corrections are very much appreciated.

Ooooh, by the way, I borrowed lyrics from Janet Jackson's Again (Gaaahh, I just lurpe that song kahit sbe ni Pammy, cheesy daw..), so credit goes to Miss Jackson.


The last few faint rays of the moon left traces of golden patterns on the tiled floor of the quiet room. As it illuminated the space near the tall windows, you sit patiently, listening to the even breathing and watching keenly as his chest rose and fell in a resonating rhythm.

Streaks of the sun's orange glow began to overtake the velvety darkness over the horizon marking the start of a new day. You imagine the people starting to get up and get ready to start their mundane lives as the roosters began to crow and the birds outside began to whistle happy tunes.

“Noona, this is Kyujong.”, the events that happened yesterday evening started to play in your head.

“I know it's been a long time since we saw or even talked to each other, but we have a favor to ask from you”, he continued, his tone serious.

“This is Jungmin, Noona.”, another voice came on the phone. “I think you know Hyung got into an accident, right?”

You remember so well how your throat started to constrict and how your mouth suddenly went dry.

“He's in pretty bad shape, Noona.”, Jungmin continued.

You licked your lips as if preparing for an even worse news.

“We attended the Dream Concert earlier, and although we only sang ballads, he was really in pain even after taking his medications.”

“He could barely lift his right arm nor bend down to take a bow.”

“He nearly collapsed backstage.”

“Noona, I know this might sound a bit too much, but can you stay with him? Can you take care of him?”, Jungmin asked, hoping for a positive answer.

“Hwangbossi, this is Manager Lee”, an older man's voice interrupted.

“I know you cut whatever ties you had a long time ago, but Hyunjoong needs you right now. He won't like this idea or plan, he won't like us bothering you, but you're our last, only and best option.”

You smiled a bit as you sat in your quiet, dark corner, thinking how cute the young masters would have looked. Apparently, it was Younsaeng's suggestion. Hyungjun had your number, but he would have messed things up with his 'suave' speech. So, Kyujong volunteered himself after Jungmin dialed your number and shoved the phone to his ear. Manager Lee heard the boys' plan, and immediately went with it.

The quiet knocking on your apartment door snapped you out of your panic stricken meandering.

You opened the door immediately and hoped it was Junjin or Andy or Jeewon or Euni or Boram or anyone who can calm you down, but it was Jaejoong and Micky.

“Annyeong, Hwangbo Noona.”, Micky could not help but smile. He blushed like a high school boy who just saw his first crush. She was after all his ideal woman and crush for the longest time.

“Noona, we came to pick you up.”, Jaejoong spoke.

“Hyunjoong was immediately sent to Pusan right after their performance. Saengie called us awhile ago, so, are you...will you...??”, DBSK's 4D member started to stutter.

Seeing Hyunjoong's best friend so serious scared the living s.hit out of you, and unconsciously, you gave the duo a nod.

You stared blankly at the window as the orange haze turned a darker shade of yellow, revealing the magnificent landscape outside and the view from the penthouse—a stretch of roofs in various colors and made of assorted materials, the long winding gray streets, and further down the brilliant blue sea.

But the impressive view could never makeup for the frightening experience and the worry that kept you from thinking straight.

Seunghyun who waited inside his car managed to drive all four of you to Pusan in an hour. It had been quiet inside Seunghyun's SUV for most of the ride. Apparently, none of you were chatty when you were nervous. Only Seunghyun's blaring hip-hop music blared on the radio, and when SS501 songs started to play, he immediately pressed the next button. That's when you realized, you were not the only trying to keep your mind off Hyunjoong's current state.

Stepping outside the car was nerve-wracking. Micky, Jaejoong and Seunghyun were not able to stay long, they were not even able to see Hyunjoong, as they had commitments the next morning.

You knocked on the door quietly, hoping to see Hyungjun's happy face, but a nurse opened it instead.

“Hwangbossi..”, she said. “I've been expecting you.”

Your heart pounded nervously, ready to jump out of your chest. It would have helped to see the other young masters, but they were not there.

“They had to leave after Hyunjoongssi fell asleep. Manager Lee said they were expected at the Dream Concert's after party.”, the nurse offered an explanation.

You nodded then asked, “Can I see him?”

“Of course”, she smiled. “But he's asleep now, and probably won't be waking up until tomorrow morning. The doctor gave him a sedative and several other painkillers”

Nurse Shin opened the door to the suite, it had been dark and the atmosphere was dreadfully quiet inside. Only the moon illuminated the room through the open windows.

Your heart sank to the pit of your stomach when you saw him. Helpless. Weak. Powerless. Hurting.

It was something you could not even dare to imagine. It pained you a lot to see him in his drug induced state. On your way to Pusan, somehow, you imagined him to be at least sitting upright, eating porridge perhaps or watching TV.

But seeing him like this shot daggers to your heart and you suddenly feel guilty even if you knew it was not your fault.

Warm moisture began to block your vision, and before you knew it, you were beginning to sob.

“He's gonna be fine, Hwangbossi.”, Nurse Shin tried to lull you. “He just needs to really rest and take his medicines.”

“You should rest, too. You've had a long day, I could tell..”, she continued. “Manager Lee prepared the other room for you to sleep in and I've asked the Innkeeper to send your bags there.”

You shook your head, “I'll just stay here.”

Nurse Shin understood and left you alone.

And so you sat there, all night long, until the roosters started crow and the sun broke free from it's dark velvet mask.

Morning was in full bloom, and a new day is about to unfold. You shifted your gaze from the marvelous view to an even more spectacular sight. You feel a certain warmth in your chest as you watched him sleeping peacefully.

You sighed, surrendering to the feeling, and thought:

I am here and I am falling in love with you again...

You stood by his bedside, like you did a couple of times that night, checking on his IV tube, adjusting the blanket, feeling his forehead for fever.

You did not know why, but you gently took his hand and squeezed it softly as if giving it warmth on a winter's day.

He must have felt your gentle squeeze because he suddenly flickered his eyes.

You tried to let go of his hand the moment you noticed that he was awake, but he held on to it.

'Hwangbo Noona', you expected him to say, but he stayed quiet for a moment, taking his time and letting his eyes adjust to the sunlight that filled his room.

He gave your hand a gentle squeeze, “Hwang Buin..”, he whispered.

You nearly choked upon hearing how he called you. It's been a long time since he called you that. You did not notice it, but your cheeks began to turn a darker shade of pink. It felt oh so good to hear him call you that.

“You're here...”, he continued and smiled so handsomely, you thought you could have died a million deaths just to see it.

You stood there, just looking at him, taking pleasure in the warmth of his hand and his smile.

He was just as glad to see you as you were glad to see him awake and out of harm's way.

You silently enjoyed the feeling and the stillness of the new morning. Blissful. Contented.

'Hold me', you thought. 'Don't ever let me go. Say it, just one time. Say you love me. God knows, I do love you again...'


Inspiration? Her beautiful blush in Women's Ranking...

here's what i'm talking about: the BLUSH


"What are you doing?", Lee Hwijae's voice boomed all over the small space.

Hwangbo nearly jumped off her seat, leaving her heart thudding like mad.

She quickly turned to see who it was.

"Oooh Oppa, you scared me. Don't you know how to knock?", she quickly picked up the brush she dropped and pretended not to hear his question.

"What are you doing?", he asked again, his face dead serious.

"Me?", she pretended to concentrate on brushing every strand of her hair, "Retouch. I'm retouching my make up?"

"Don't play dumb with me Hyejungah.. What are you doing?", he asked again, this time closing the door behind him.

She stayed quiet. She knew exactly what Hwijae was talking about. Sometimes, she wished her Oppas starting from Hodong to Jaesuk to Myungsoo to Shimty to Shiwon to Eric down to Dongwan, not to mention Andy and Junjin would stop being so protective of her. At times, it felt good, safe and secure, but sometimes, it was like having a hundred pairs of eyes watching her every move, a hundred Fathers trying to protect her.

"Blushing like that would send various signals to those completely obsessed fangirls.", he finally calmed down and started his litany.

He gently patted her shoulder then stared at her reflection, "I didn't say anything during We Got Married, Hyejungah, but I saw how affected you were because of those hateful words being said about you. I hated seeing you struggle so much when I know how much you love your work."

"So please Hyejungah be careful, okay? You know his fans think they own him, especially now that he's like the hottest thing in Korea. You're likely to get hateful comments from those rabid anti fans and netizens gone bonkers even before this show comes out.", his concern for Hwangbo's safety was overwhelming, something she did not know how to respond to.

Hwangbo's expression broke into a forced smile, "Don't worry too much about me, Oppa. I know Kongfu..", she joked, trying to imitate Keanu's voice.

It was a silly attempt to break the serious atmosphere that continued to hover over the room.

Seeing that Hwijae was not smiling, she gave up, smiled and took the other man's right arm in a cute silly way, "Alright Oppa. I'll be careful, I promise."

"You suck at cute attempts, Hyejungah.", he said finally allowing his lips to twitch upwards. "I think that's the reason why you do not have a boyfriend these days.."

Hwangbo let go of his arm then hit it with her fist as hard as she could, "Oppppppaaaa!!"

Hwijae tried to defend himself from her physical attacks when suddenly the phone on top of vanity started to vibrate.

Hwangbo immediately stopped and grabbed her phone. Her shy, smiling face started to redden as she read the message.

Hwijae stood there, stunned, as he watched her turn as red as a very ripe, plump tomato.

He had only seen that reaction from her once, and that was a couple of minutes ago, when a question was directed to her about the person by the name of Kim Hyunjoong was asked while they were taping.

"Omo...", he covered his mouth.

The comment did not escape Hwangbo's ear, she tried to look up, but she could not look at him straight in the eye.

'Omo......', he repeated inside his head.

"Hyejungah...", he whispered, still in shock. The rumors he heard before and the hushed whispers from the We Got Married staff and crew were slowly sinking in to his brain.

Hwangbo looked up again, still red faced. She looked like a kid caught red handed, "Oppa..."

"How long has it been?", he asked, still unable to recover from the suddenness of his realization.

She did not answer.

"A month?", he asked.

Hwangbo shook her head, "Longer...", she whispered.

"Six months? Eight months?", he questioned.

"Longer...", she said softly, still unable to look him in the eye.

"Longer? One year? Ane, more than a year?", the surprise on Hwijae's face was becoming more evident.

"One year and five months...", she answered, her cheeks once again turning red.

Hwangbo immediately walked to towards the door, leaving Hwijae as he counted the months using his fingers, talking to himself.

"Yah!!", he called after her, "Right after Mount Halla????"

Oh Yunho, How Do I Love Thee


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

(Poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

^___________^ --> kahansamnida!!

Kahansamnida!!! *bows* Kahansamnida!!! *bows*

lvkprogram: thank you so much. i'm glad i made your day a tad bit better..

mikki93: i thought he looked sick in the dream concert and could barely raise his right hand much less take a bow. for the first time, i actually pitied him. but i bet someone is actually taking good care of him...

lovekathy21: ahhaha.. i agree, it's really hard to separate fics from reality, but who knows right... ang saya ko naman at napasaya kita..hehehe

shuchen, nitimon, athena5914: but it ends there...seriously...hehehe..

tacvera: ooooh, you make my heart flutter by reading your comments... kahnsamnida!! as for the donation, see below...

susanla, annery, nvrsayalvida, ssangchudream: thanks for reading

vaughnbloom: i hope i'll be there when you join the chatroom..hehehe..and sana din we'll have a get together kaya lng ang hirap nun--we're from different islands and there are a lot working in other countries too....btw, thanks for reading...

4everjoongbo: ^______^ that happens often to me, too. after a sudden surge of FF ideas and hours spent writing and fangirling, i end up asking myself why i'm even doing this, but gaaaaah!!, they always or one of them always manage to pull me back in. thanks btw for those lovely comments. i'm still waiting for updates from you though...


gaga: thanks much for always leaving comments in my blog even those that are not joongbo related. i guess we're both Hwangbo fangirls first before joongbo..hahaha..

Accidents 2.5

I didn't think this was PB worthy, so here it is:

Warm, bright sunshine streamed before my very eyes as the door of the heavily tinted van swung open.

'I should have worn my sunglasses', I said to myself as I raised my left hand to shield my eyes from the blinding light.

It has been a beautiful day so far. Manager Oppa only scheduled a few guestings and tapings today, so I still have enough energy to do things at home. Maybe play with Jins and Bos, do some knitting, cook for the ahjumma living in the next apartment, write Choongjae and Andy a letter, call my Omma and Appa and watch old videos of my past show.

Old videos of my past show meant only one particular show, We Got Married.

I smiled and begin to wonder how he is or what he is doing right now.

"Annyeong!", an office assistant greeted me as I stepped down from the car and walked towards Shimty's building.

"Annyeong, Haenassi", I answered her, happy to see the shocked expression on her face when I said her name.

"I'll help you carry your bags", she offered.

"Aniyo. It's not heavy anyway.", I smiled at her.

Haenassi and I started walking towards the main door with Manager Oppa and his secretary following us from behind.

The peace and quiet of the neighborhood was broken by a sudden loud noise of a huge collision. I nearly jumped and yelped at the sudden loud bang. My heart started to pound as if wanting to jump out of my chest.

I turned to see if everyone was okay. Haenassi seemed a little startled, but she was okay. Manager Oppa and his secretary were looking around to see where the noise came from. I immediately looked at the van we rode on, it was safe and sound as it was parked right across where we stood.

I continued to let my eyes wander further down the street. My heart started to beat in a more abnormal rhythm. I felt fear down the very pit of my stomach. Moisture began to formulate on the palm of my hands.

A sleek, obviously new car crashed to a lamp post and collided with a huge oak tree. I stood there, unable to move as if wrapped up in my silent daydream. The earsplitting noise of the car's alarm brought me back to reality.

Through the shattered windows, I thought I saw a familiar face. His soft features and fair skin was like that of an angel. I realized that angel might be in pain. The car's alarm continued to wail and fill the atmosphere.

"Somebody call an ambulance!", Manager Oppa yelled as he sprinted towards the scene. His secretary immediately pulled out her cell phone and dialed.

I do not know what or why or how, but I started sprinting towards the scene, too. There was like a tug or a string that pulled me. I do not know why, but I just did.

As I got nearer, the fallen angel's face started to become clearer. With every step I took, his face became more visible.

My heart stopped pounding, my heart literally stopped at the very moment I was able to confirm who it was inside the car.

"It's Kim Hyunjoong!", Manager Oppa yelled at me.

'What did he mean when he said 'It's Kim Hyunjoong'? Did he mean my Shillang? My Joongie? Was he saying that person whose bruised and unconscious inside the car was my Kim Hyunjoong?', questions began to pop inside my head one after another.

I looked closer, it was him.

Manager Oppa was able to pull him out of the driver's seat after seeing that more shattered glass was about to give way and might break on his face. He laid him on the street as people hovered over him.

I pushed and fought through the crowd until I was standing beside his body. I started to shake and panic.

'Ottoke?', I thought, 'What if he dies right before my very eyes?'

I knelt beside him and tried to pull him closer towards me. It had been months since I last saw him, more than a year since I last talked to him. I ran a trembling hand across his blood stained cheek.

"Ottoke?", I asked Manager Oppa when he knelt beside me.
"He's fine now", the doctor said. The words did not seem to sink in. All I know is that Kim Hyunjoong was in a car accident and he was covered with blood as he lay unconscious in my arms.

"We did some tests, and he had been drinking earlier on.", the other doctor explained.

"Bo?", I asked, fear and anger mixing together inside my heart.

"Mr. Kim-we tested him positive for alcohol intoxication..", the doctor said again.

I was not able to speak, it was a good thing Manager Oppa was there with me.

"I see. Let's wait for his management and the DSP officials to come before we make a statement.", Manager Oppa quickly retorted.

"Can I see him now?", I asked, I've been dying to see how he was doing at the same time dreading the sight of him in a hospital bed with IV tubes and casts and bandages.

"Not yet Miss. He's still asleep right now. Give him time to rest.", the doctor answered.

His manager together with some DSP officials came later in the evening.

"Hyejungah, we should go now. You need to rest.", Manager Oppa said after talking to Hyunjoong's manager.

I shook my head and looked him in the eye. "I have to see him, Oppa.", my voice trembling.

"Arraso..", I knew he would understand. He has been with me ever since I pursued a solo career and has seen me struggle with the feelings I unknowingly developed for the young idol.

I peeked through the window of his hospital room, but he was asleep. I walked around some more and paced to and fro until my feet started to hurt. All I wanted was to get rid of the anxiety building up again.

"Aren't you going in?", a hoarse female voice asked me as I sat on one of the benches along the corridor.

I looked up and found Lee Hyori smiling at me, all made up and glamorous.

My heart started to pound again, 'My Shillang's ideal woman.', I said to myself, perfectly aware of the jealousy eating my insides.

I gave her a faint smile then shook my head, "Maybe later"

She put her hand on top of my shoulder and patted it gently, "I heard you saved uri Joongie. Thanks."

I looked up at her again, "Isn't that something any one would do?"

Hyori smiled then turned to leave, "Yeah, but they wouldn't stay there and worry even after the doctor said he's going to be fine like what you're doing now."
Even after Hyori left, I continued to sit there, refusing to budge.

I let my happy memories of him float up and bubble, hoping to ease the anger whenever the idea that he drank and drove popped up.

I was lost in my daydream, oblivious that a man sat down beside me.

"You visiting someone, Buin?", he asked, trying on a cool, uninjured voice.

I snapped out of my quiet reverie. I turned to look at the man beside me as my chin quivered a bit, my eyes blazing with anger.

"YAH!!", I almost screamed at him, my hands though still shaking, hit his shoulders, hard.

"Are you trying to get killed? Drinking and driving, what were you thinking?", I continued, not minding that Hyunjoong was wincing in pain. "I was worried when I saw your car crashing and colliding with that lamp post..."

"But when the doctor said, you had been drinking... Yahhh!!! Kim Hyunjoong!!!", my lips shook as tears started running down my already tear stained cheeks. I was unable to continue what I was saying as I tried to control my sobs.

He took me in his arms. Finally, I could feel him close to me. I could hear him breathing. He was finally awake and out of danger's way.

"Shhh..", he tried to pacify my uncontrollable sobs. "I'm fine.. See..."

He held me tighter in his arms.

My crying finally abated yet still I stayed in his embrace. Being there, trapped in his strong arms, gave me peace of mind.

"No more drinking and driving, alright?", I whispered, trying hard for my voice not to croak. I pulled myself out of his embrace to make sure I see his response.

Hyunjoong nodded, "I promise". He pulled me into his strong embrace again.

"And no more stalking..", he whispered,suppressing his chuckles.

It took awhile before his words sank in.

'No more stalking', I repeated to myself, 'Stalking?'

I crinkled my nose in confusion, still unable to wrap my head over what he said, "Hmmm?? What do you mean?"

I did not understand why and he never told me, but when I heard the resonating sound of his laughter, I thought I did not need to bother asking him why. Being like that, being with him was enough for me.

Oh my Yunho.......

How can I not love Jung Yunho after watching and learning about this?:


And so, she gave it all away.

Just like that...

Her blush was priceless...


It got all Joongboers thinking and guessing and spazzing: Is there really something between them? Why the super blush, Unnie? Does the host/emcee know something?

Truth be told, I almost jumped off the ship, but the spazzes came pouring in, and I am once again lost in my love for Joongbo. Will this addiction ever stop??

Accidents Deux

It is a struggle to have ideas leave you, but an even greater struggle and more frustrating to have an idea then words leave you.

I tried to squeeze out every happy cell in my body and tried to write another fanfiction--something happier this time, something upbeat and lively, and this is the end result. Ssory lettuce eating folks, this is the happiest I can deliver so far. Well, it's not really happy, just more positive compared to the last two I wrote...

When I heard about Hyunjoong's accident, I tried not to get overly worked up and/or excited because the kid just seems to surprise us every time (hinting at past sc*nd*ls and incidents). Although I never really made a big deal out of those little bits of news, I still made up my mind not to pay too much attention because I could not risk my barely beating ssangchu heart.

But some nosy little jbphers were spazzing, saying the accident happened in Gangnam and that Shimty's office was also located in that area.... So this is the product of my silly joongbo imaginations...

It's not in anyway related or connected to Accidents(my other fic about Hwangbo's accident), but since one of them was involved in yet another accident, I decided to call it Accident Deux.

This is for all those asking for a 'happy' one shot (esp Gaga—my ever loyal blogspot reader...i visited your blog the other day and I was so amazed and happy with your spazz compilation)

The glum melancholy of the days slowly passing by is making him a drab. Not too long ago, he was put in the same situation. Now, he was isolating himself from the rest of the world. Not because he wanted to, but because the rest of his posse were busy with their own lives. He does not quite get it nor understand the situation at all. He was supposedly busy preparing of their up and coming album promotions, CF shooting, photo shoots for magazine covers, interviews, rehearsals. His days were actually busy, but often times, he found himself wandering in treacherous waters he was supposed to keep out of.

It was not exactly a happy memory. It was something he regretted and will continue to long for as days go by. How he let something so precious slip through his hands is a mystery, and each time he thinks about it, he either wants to just run and hide or end up wanting to hit his silly head with a sledgehammer.

No matter how he thinks about it or no matter how many times he regrets it, the bottom line is: HE LET HER GO.

He sat behind the wheel, blankly staring at the quiet streets.

The choreographers and the dancers together with all the SS501 members finished yet another physically draining five hour dance rehearsal. They were beat and tired. Hyunjoong did not mean for them to end up in a small restaurant, but they all wound up drinking their tired ass off. Three hours quickly passed by, and twenty two empty Suju bottles lay on the long table.

The dancers already left, leaving the five beautiful boys behind.

“Managernim, will be so pissed to see us right now!”, Hyungjun announced, flailing his arms around with his eyes half closed and a smile pasted on his wasted face.

“Kyujung, take him home, will you? He's wasted already”, Hyunjoong said sternly. That was the leader in him talking.

“Yahhh!! Kim Hyunjoong hyung!!! I am not drunk! I can take care of myself!!”, Hyungjun half screamed, his eyes still half closed.

“Yahhh, we are not drunk yet. Ahjumma!! One more bottle here please!!”, Jungmin added barely able to keep himself from sitting upright.

“Saengie, take the horse home. Let's call it a night..”, with that Hyunjoong stood up and left the table without even looking back.

He was miffed that Jungmin and Hyungjun were drunk already. He was the one who was supposed to get drunk. He was the one who was supposed to pass out. He was the one who was supposed to be so wasted that his members would want to leave him on the cold sidewalk. But no, he was fine. He was not near intoxication of any sort. All he wanted was to get rid of the emptiness and the loneliness inside his heart. It was like a black hole ready to eat him up alive.

As he sat quietly behind the wheel, he began to feel the pain he had been suppressing deep in the recesses of his heart. It was stupid that he keeps on longing to hear her laugh or taste the food she cooks, but it was more stupid that he did not make a move when they said goodbye at Mount Halla. He wanted her so badly, but he wanted a successful career at the same time. Thinking that she would be a hindrance was outrageously foolish on his part because now, he was a mess and that alone is an understatement. Now, it seemed everything he was doing had no meaning, no sense.

He turned his attention on the black van that passed by him. Although the windows were heavily tinted, he thought the Plate Number was familiar. Unconsciously, he revved up the engine and followed the van. He made a right turn when the van did, a left when the van turned left. Soon, he was in a familiar neighborhood. He had been here before. He has been here to stalk before. His best friend, Jaejoong was once forced to go with him.

“Why don't you just go out, go to the reception area, ask if she's in there?”, Jaejoong once asked him when he drove out to the same place with his friend. “I feel like we're stalkers here.”

“Stop complaining, will you?”, Hyunjoong scoffed. “Oh by the way, I'm not stalking her, I just wanted to get a glimpse before I leave for Japan again.”

“Dude, you're stalking!”, Jaejoong quipped then adjusted his seat. “Anyway, stalkers do not admit they stalk other people, just like drug addicts and alcoholics.”

Unfortunately for Hyunjoong, she never came that day.

Hyunjoong slowed down when the black van pulled to a stop.

His lips twitched upwards as a beautiful maiden stepped out. Finally, he saw her again. She smiled abruptly at the building's security guard and then to an employee who came out to greet the man walking behind her.

He was so focused on the woman he did not notice a lamp post and a tree in front of him. Before he knew it, everything went red, blood red. Shattered car windows broke right before his eyes. He stepped on the brakes, but it was too late. The car's bumper rammed up to the sidewalk gutter, then the lamp post. The screeching sound of rubber coming in contact with the galvanized road was deafening and the ringing of his car alarm echoed all over the neighborhood.

His gaze never left the woman as she turned around to see what was going on. Her face turned from a smile to shocked and fearful. She was running, running towards him. But everything went black as he passed out. The last thing he heard was a siren and screams from passers by.
Hyunjoong raised his bruised arm to shield his eyes from the bright white light.

'Am I in heaven?', he asked himself.

He looked around then realized he was lying in a hospital bed, alone in the hospital room. He quickly concluded that the accident must have been real, but the vision of Hwangbo running towards him and his dishevelled car might have been just his mind playing tricks on him.

He sat up and faced the window, contemplating, thinking of excuses to tell his manager, hoping to cover up the fact that he was in front of Shimty's Building when the accident happened. Then his mind drifted off to the person he saw just before his car came crashing on the post.

“Joongah..”, a soft raspy voice filled the room.

Hyunjoong was frozen from where he sat. Her voice was familiar. 'She's here?', he asked himself, excited, afraid.

He slowly turned towards her. He and his excited heart fell silent.

“Are you okay?”, she asked, her face was filled with worry.

“Are you still in pain?”, Hyori asked again.

He did not answer. He just stared at her, disappointed. It was like being splashed with ice water.

“Are you hurt?”, she asked again, her voice raspier and hoarse than usual.

“Noona...”, he finally spoke, “Why is your voice like that?”

Hyori laughed, “I just came from three performances. Why? Why? I was not the hospital visitor you expected, right?”

Hyunjoong fell silent.

“Busted!!”, Hyori teased him. “Or should I call you stalker now??”

“Do you always do this? Huh? God, you're becoming scary, Joongah...”, she continued to tease him.

“I was just... I was just missing her..”, he shyly offered his explanation, but Hyori burst out laughing upon hearing this.

“Why are you here anyway? I mean, how did you know?”, he asked trying to change the subject.

“I was around the area when we passed by your manager outside the hospital. He and I are friends, you know since I was from the same company, so he told me. You are so dead, Joongah err Stalker..”, she continued teasing him.

When Hyori left, Hyunjoong was alone again in the room. He was thirsty, but was too shy to ask the Nurses for some water. He opted to take a stroll to the nearest vending machine. He slowly walked towards the door relying entirely on the crutches he was supplied with. The hallway was almost empty, just a few nurses walking around doing their rounds and some visitors getting ready to leave.

His eyes fell on the woman sitting on the bench down the hallway. Her hair was pulled back in a tight pony tail. Not a trace of make up covered her face. Her big white shirt was hanging limply on her bare shoulders and had spots of what seemed like blood in different areas. Her legs were well covered but their marvelous shape was revealed by the skin tight black leggings she wore. She wore a flat pair of flip flops and her feet were firmly planted on the vinyl floors. She had a blank expression, quietly staring into the space before her. The hands on top of her legs were slightly shaking.

'It's now or never...', the words echoed on his brain as he approached Hwangbo and sat beside her.

“You visiting someone, Buin?”, he asked, trying on a cool, uninjured voice.

Hwangbo snapped out of her quiet reverie. She turned to look at the man beside her. Her chin quivered a bit, her eyes blazed with anger.

“YAH!!”, she almost screamed at him, her hands though still shaking, hit his shoulders, hard.

“Are you trying to get killed? Drinking and driving, what were you thinking?”, she continued, not minding that Hyunjoong was wincing in pain after she hit him. “I was worried when I saw your car crashing and colliding with that lamp post...”

'So that explains the blood stains', he said to himself, 'So, my mind was not playing tricks on me after all..'

“But when the doctor said, you had been drinking... Yahhh!!! Kim Hyunjoong!!!”, her lips quivered and tears started running down her already tear stained cheeks. She was unable to continue what she was saying as she tried to control her sobs.

In that instant, Hyunjoong hated himself for making her cry, but seeing her cry for him, seeing her cry because she was worried about him, made him smile and feel warm inside.

He took her in his arms. Finally, he was able to hold her close.

“Shhh..”, he tried to pacify her uncontrollable sobs. “I'm fine.. See...”

He held her tighter in his arms.

Hwangbo stopped crying, but she stayed in his embrace. Being there, trapped in his strong arms, gave her peace of mind.

“No more drinking and driving, alright?”, she whispered, trying hard for her voice not to croak. She pulled herself out of his embrace to make sure she sees his response.

Hyunjoong nodded, “I promise”. He pulled her in his strong embrace again.

“And no more stalking..”, he whispered,suppressing his chuckles.

Hwangbo crinkled her nose in confusion, “Hmmm?? What do you mean?”

^_________________^ - because i'm thankful...

Kahansamnida!!! *bows* Kahansamnida!!! *bows*

proboards readers:

annery: thanks much, i'm glad there was no crying this time..

frmshagra: awww, thanks soooo much...

rispas, ryb123: ^____________^

lovekathy21: i'm trying to write happy one shots, pero hinde na yata nag fu-function ang utak ko ngayon...at mukhang malapit nang ma-approve ang retirement papers ko...meganon???!!!

juhichi: although your comment for the only one is really flattering, I feel quite a bit pressured.. LOL! all my fics are actually compiled in my blog--nyahahaha... so, there's no need to print them out, it's a waste of paper... save the trees...and, thanks for reading The Last Straw

chyme31: the only one is so last year, get over it!! nyahaha...whose yoon chyme??

susanla: awwww, thanks te sue... i actually try my best to update regularly so that i don't get nagged on by Unnie Athena...takot kme ni mar sa kanya...nyahahaha

nvrsayalvida: oh the only 'crier' for this fic...thanks for reading... i'm hoping you'd be smiling on my next fic...*crossing fingers* and oh, i hate that song, it's too sad...way too sad...never fails to remind me of the people who came and went in my life...makes me very emotional, too...and I hate being emotional because I cannot think straight..

vaughnbloom: oh, another pinay!!! salamat sa pag basa at heart warming comments!!! chat taU sa pinay site with the other pinay joongboers!!!

athena5914: but Unnie, you cry all the time, even when you read my happy fics...nyahahahha...yes, a happy fic coming up and i just might give in to your and te Sue's outrageous ff request...nyahahaha...wanna read the overview? At mukhang magiging long fic pa talaga yun ha...

blogspot reader:

gaga: waaaaah, you never fail to leave comments for my recent fics!!! thank you, and the next one is for you... mwaaaah!!

^___________^ --> me, reading all your comments!!!

Hello everyone!!!!

Nadene / Bruha / nadene_bruha here!!!

I've been recieving lots of love (and tears) from proboards readers and those from other sites, too, and I am really grateful for all the lovely comments!!!

Much love to y'all!!!

I've been doing this in PB since last month...

SHOUTOUTS (for The Only One):

Kahansamnida for taking the time to read and cry!!!

Kahansamnida!!! *bows* Kahansamnida!!! *bows*

frmshagra: thank you for reading.... and you commented twice... ^__________^

annery: awww, i'm sorry to have made you cry... but really, thanks for the comment...

lvkprogram , tikxy: big fat THANK YOU!!!

lovekathy21: kat!!! i think i just gained antis for killing hb.. nyahahahha... salamat sa pagbasa.. honestly, these days, wala akong maisip na happy fic... grrrrr... kahit ako gusto ko puro happy ang fics ko, pero yung na-foformulate kong ideas, puro tragic ang ending... hu hu hu hu hu...

althea, aljone, classical_skype, shuchen, ryb123: omo! thank you and sorry... i didn't mean for it to have that effect...

carlita: thanks for reading.. oh wow, publishing a book would be living my dreams... someday, when i finally master grammar and spelling and when i finally think of a really good story---hmmm, give me 100 years to finish it...

nvrsayalvida: thank you sooo much... i was not really expecting the 'crying' reaction from the readers, i was hoping more like 'oooh, they have such strong love' or 'oh, i admire their love for each other' type of reaction... but 'crying readers' is a good thing right? and sorry for causing you to wake up with panda eyes... :-(

tacvera: ^__________^ i'm fine now... took a three day beach vacay with friends and went star gazing, and guess what, i'm feeling better now. i'll try the 100 plus advice next time. so far, black coffee is keeping vertical and the mefenamic acid is keeping me migraine free..

athena5914: Unnie, don't hate me...hate the migraine... nyahahahha... Btw, mas sincere ang message ni Yunho and Eunhyuk...hahahhaha

azura147: k na ako...bakasyon lng kailangan ko.. sana bakasyon lge...

nitimoni: thank you. so far, i've no happy fics in mind...

susanla: te sue!! salamat sa pagbasa and for pimping my fic, kahit napagalitan ako ni te jhudz dahil dito--hehehheehe...sana nga no more migraines na, ever!!!

chyme31: ako man gbasa balik, ug wa man ko naka hilak oi...hahahaha...thanks sa praises, dongsaeng! baga na kau ako atay o, nag lupad2x na, pero please, yoon chyme?? seriously?? nyahahahha

4everjoongbo: thanks for reading...there won't be happy fics from me until uhhhhmmm, i don't know, until next year..nyahahaha... but you should do the one shot.... i am so looking forward to it.. and of course Joongie and Jungie...

blogspot and jbph readers:

gaga: i really didn't think people read and visit my blogspot at all, but anyways, thank you!!!!!!! and sorry for making you cry in your office..hur hur hur...

khjholic: waaaahhh, miss na kita holic...salamat sa pag basa...update chances, ayt??

anonymous: thanks for reading... i wish you left a name or something. anyway, yeah HB is too dear and i really hope this day never comes...me and my silly imaginings..hope you continue reading...

jhudzpama: te jhudz, saya nga ng love story na to eh... talagang korean nobela ang dating---very tragic...nyahahhaha..salamat po sa pagbasa...sa uulitin...

jobibee: my ever beloved evil sis, OA ha....wala tay heart and d ta muhilak...puakakkakakakka--i miss that laugh....

The Last Straw

I flicker my eyes open as I try to catch my ragged breath. It's like I've been running a marathon or being chased by a giant bug.

Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. Panting heavily, I feel another person's presence on the soft satin bed.

I moved a bit, then regretted making the sudden jerking movement. I sigh after seeing that the other person only stirred, still lost somewhere I dreamland.

I twist to face him.

I took my hand from where it originally was and let it wander down his well toned arms then letting it rest abruptly inside his big soft, warm hand. I closed my eyes for a second, feeling the relaxing warmth. I let my eyes roam his beautiful face. Adoring his eyebrows, his eyelids, his nose, the thick coarse hair growing on top of his upper lip, then his soft warm lips.

With my hands still inside his, I feel relaxed, happy, sated. The feeling was overwhelming, like a sudden surge of strong waves, the sudden gust of forceful winds on a calm, quiet night.

Being here, snuggling in his strong arms was beyond my wildest dreams.

I never really thought I'd get to touch him, hug him, kiss him, snuggle in bed with him like I am doing now. I never really thought I could get someone like him to notice a poor little soul like me. I never really thought I would be the one he comes home to and be his crying shoulder when the battles he fought were too much for him.. I never really thought I could make him happy and make him forget about the real worries of his so-called life. I never really thought I could love him and be loved back a hundred fold.

But the sudden throbbing in my head snaps me back to reality.

The pain was too much..too strong...

The drum-like rhythm in the depths of my brain was like a bomb ready to explode anytime. I clench my jaw hoping to keep the noise from escaping my throat. I quickly freed my hand from his and held on to the sheets tightly looking for some sort of support.

The drum-like rhythm in my brain was a reminder of the things I must be doing now before I fall deeper back and get swallowed by the feelings I have for the man beside me.

I quickly grabbed the five multi colored pills from under my pillow and swallowed them in one big gulp. There was no need for water since I have done this more than just a few times.

The pain in my head subsides ever so slowly this time, but not the pain in my heart.

I wanted to stay a little longer, just a little while longer, but the horrid picture of me thrashing about because of the pain, and the support and time and attention I might be needing when the cancer swallows me whole and gets the best of me is just not something I want him to put up with. He has so much to live for, so much he can do, so much he should experience. And, being tied up to me and my illness would destroy the life and the bright future he deserves to live.

Someday, I tell myself, someday, he will understand. Someday, I try to coax myself, he will know that I'm doing this to save him the pain.

Finally, I lift myself off the bed and dragged myself towards the closet. Without a sound, I opened his closet door and pulled out the suitcase I've been keeping there for days and days now.

For the last time, I turn to the man sleeping soundly in bed and feel my heart starting to constrict and beat in an abnormal rhythm as memories flash before my very eyes.

“I have something to say”, he blurted out nervously as they sat in his living room couch.

I waited for him to collect his thoughts.

“I think.. No.. I know I am falling in love with you..”, he whispered.

I smiled, trying to hold back the tears. I did not say a thing. It's not that I did not like it nor feel the same way, it's just that I've got my mind set on leaving for my sake, for his sake.

I wanted so much to hug him and say those words right back, but ours was a love that only knew a tragic ending.

That day, I cursed at the doctor who said I only had months to live.

I cursed at the surgeon who said there was nothing he could do.

I cursed the cancer for choosing me out of the billions on earth.

I cursed Fate for making our paths cross again and rekindling this suppressed feeling I have for you.

I cursed Love for making me find ways and reasons to live despite the odds.

I cursed God for wanting to take me away too soon when there are dreams I have to live out with you. Dreams of a family, a white house with tall windows, sending our kids to school together in a family van, of going to concerts together, of Saturday dinners in our front porch and so many more...

But there was no use asking questions now, there's no use hating and getting angry. Because in all my life, I was happiest when I was with him. And that's the only memory I cherish until that fateful day.

He cannot hear me say this, but my heart beats only for him. And because of him, I found the reason to fight and live on, but there are things that are beyond our control. I wanted to spend the rest of my dying days with him, but I don't want him to see me as someone weak. Most of all, I did not want him to see me this way and I don't want me to be the cause of his pain.

I might be leaving, but I'll continue living somewhere where the memories of him and me and our love can keep me strong and happy.

The Only One

The roaring of the engine died down as he turned the ignition off and pulled the handbrake. He looked outside the heavily tinted windows, then checked on the address written down on the invitation card. He let his hands run through the gold embossed writings, The Only One, it said.

Hyunjoong thought it was absurd to accept the invitation, but there were things in life he did not understand. The invitation came on a lovely Spring day. The leaves just started to turn green again and the fresh morning dew left traces of little rainbow like patterns on the brown tree barks. The morning air had never seemed so fresh. He felt reinvigorated, but he could not afford to smile because he did not feel he had a reason to do so.

Kyujong looked like a scared little boy as he handed the white glossy envelope.

“You should go”, he said after clearing his throat. “Junjin Hyung wants you to.”

For days now, he had to fight an inner battle all because of the invitation. But just like the day she invited him over at the Old Spaghetti Restaurant near their first We Got Married house, he found himself behind the wheel, driving. It was like the unexplained attraction and pull between the earth and the moon. It seemed like there was gravity between him and her, between him and the glossy pearl white invitation card.

He noticed an familiar old woman going inside the wooden entrance of the rather shabby, uninviting building. He quickly went out of his car and walked after her.

“Oh, ahjumma..”, he had been right. It was her. The old lady from the Spaghetti Restaurant. He has not seen her in awhile, but he could still recognize her.

She turned around, “Omo! Hyunjoongah... It's about time you came.”

She quickly took his arm and led him inside. It was far different inside the building. The beauty and elegance of the place was astounding. It was pearl white and gold at the reception area. He looked at the invitation card he had been holding.

“Annyeong Ahjumma!”, an African teenaged boy smiled warmly. “Annyeong Ahjussi”

“Annyeong John”, the old woman responded. “Oh by the way, this is Kim Hyunjoong..”, she introduced him to the teenager.

The smile on the boy's face disappeared, his face studied Hyunjoong's features, “Is it really him, Ahjumma?”

The old woman nodded.

The boy looked away. Hyunjoong thought he saw tears in his eyes. John walked away from the reception area.

Hyunjoong looked at the old woman, his eyes seemed to ask why.

The Ahjumma took him by the arm again, “Never mind John. He probably just misses her.”

'Misses who?', he wanted to ask, but she kept on talking and lead him to a small door.

“What's this?”, he asked.

“Go, take a look for yourself.. I'll wait for you on the other end”, he nudged him inside.

He looked around, awed at the number of black and white photographs on the wall. He let his eyes scan through them, some were of celebrities, others just ordinary people, there were pictures of beautiful scenery, but in the midst of them all was a lone colored photo. It was a picture of him sitting inside a restaurant glancing over his phone. A note was scribbled on the upper right side corner. 'The only one', it said.

He slowly walked through the halls. The walls were painted dark orange. There were black and white photos of more people.

Omma, one picture of an old woman with fine lines on her beautiful face smiling brightly at the camera. Beside it was an older picture of the same woman holding a baby in her arms at what seemed to be a hospital bed.

Appa, was written under another picture of a man with fierce, intense eyes. It was pure contradiction to the smaller picture beside it. It was of the same man holding a lass in his arms, they were both laughing.

The next one was labeled, My Oppa. There was a man outside a store, pushing a cart. Beside it was a man in military uniform, hugging a lady, holding him tightly in his arms.

Hyunjoong walked on, this time the walls were painted fresh spring green.

The first one was of Shinhwa, in a small cafe. Eric, Junjin, Andy, Hyesung, Minwoo and Dongwan crowded a small table, three hamming it up for the camera and the rest chatting.

Amigas, the next one said. He recognized Jeewon and Boram with the rest of the original Infinity Girls.

The third one was labeled, Sisters, with the members of Chakra striking a funny pose.

The next one was called Compassion, it was a portrait of a stage performance with a band and dancers.

Idol and Friends, the next one read. There various pictures of Singers, Actors and Actresses.

There was a picture of Youngsaeng, Jungmin, Baby and Kyujong entitled, Young Masters.

At the end of the hall was a wall painted in pearl white. The pictures were colored, he could tell from afar.

Soon, he was face to face with a blown up picture of himself lying on a white love seat, with a gentle smile on his face. Kim Hyunjoong, was written below the frame.

He remembered when this was taken. She invited him over days after meeting at the Spaghetti Restaurant. She said she will cook for him and would not take no for answer. They were laughing while playing Go-stop in her living room. Hyunjoong lost three times in a row and he was getting tired of being smacked in the head, so he stood up and pretended to be hurt. When she started apologizing and fuzzing over him, he smiled gently at her. She took her camera and asked him to smile. That was the time he asked her if she would go out on a date with him.

He strolled over to the next picture entitled, Shillang. It was a picture of him walking into a restaurant. Their first date, he recalled. It was taken over a year ago. She had worn a simple knitted top with a pair of denim jeans, but she looked so simply amazing that she took his breath away. That was the evening he asked that they date exclusively which she instantly dismissed. She asked him to understand and that she has reasons he may never understand. She said she wanted them to remain that way and that only time will tell. He was hurt of course, but there was something about what she said that night that made him comeback and yearn for her even more.

Next was a collage of his pictures, My Byul was its title. He smiled at the silly things he did for her. She took a picture of him wearing one of her homemade aprons, cooking her dinner (which was not ramen by the way) in his apartment. Another one was him singing in a music lounge. He chuckled when he saw one where he danced to R2song. He found another one, she probably took it when she convinced him to help her serve soup to street children one random cold night. He found another one where he was sitting on the floor chopping radish for their Kimchi, they had argued that day because he wanted to add more chilli powder but she protested that it was not good for him.

Hyunjoong walked a few more steps to the next picture in the gallery. My Love, she scribbled in that particular photo. He tried to recall when that was taken. He smiled when he remembered. That was the time they went to the beach on a cold winter day because she wanted to remember the smell of sea. It was a beautiful day, yet each day spent with her was always beautiful.

But the last photo was a mystery to him. He knew it was taken in his bedroom, but when, he did not know. 'The Only One, My Only One', that was the title she gave the photo.

He stared at the sleeping Kim Hyunjoong. He looked so peaceful in that photo. Then it hit him, it was taken the day she left him. Before they went to sleep, she said she was going somewhere far, somewhere white. Hyunjoong asked if she was going to Hokkaido. She did not answer right away, but she kissed him on the eyes, she said she will miss his fierce stares, she kissed the tip of his nose and said she will miss the way it crinkles when he disagrees with her, then she kissed him on the mouth and said she will miss all his kisses and how safe he makes her feel. She said something about remembering them that way—happy and satisfied just by being in each others arms. In the morning, Hyunjoong found himself alone in his apartment. There weren't any traces of her. He felt angry and despised her for a long time. But now, why was he feeling like he was wrong?

He almost expected Hwangbo to emerge from the door when it made a croaking. He almost expected to see her smiling face trying to convince him to forgive her for leaving without a word, but it was the old woman and the African boy.

“She loved you so much..”, she said, “She wanted you to remember her as the happy Hwangbo Hyejung, the one you fell in love with.”

They took him to another room where a picture of her smiling happily greeted him. Her catlike eyes. Her long bridge nose. Her perfect lips. He looked down and started to read the big bold letter under the picture, Memoriam.

“Before she passed away..”, the old woman choked, tears in her eyes, “she prepared for another photo exhibition. She said she wanted it to be about the people in her life and the person who made her hope against hope that she would live..”

Hyunjoong was astounded, 'She passed away—what does that mean?', he asked himself.

“What do you mean, she passed away?”, he blurted out.

“She—Hwangbo, she passed away, Hyunjoongah. A month ago, she succumbed to brain cancer. She was on remission until last summer, remember the day she invited you to my Spaghetti restaurant? She was late because she had another headache and fainted on the street. She did not bring Jins to Junjin's place, like the excuse she gave you. Junjin took her to the hospital, but she escaped because she had a date with you.” the old woman smiled as she looked at the picture, “That girl was always so stubborn”

“Junjin created this room a week ago when he finally recovered from the shock and realized she did not want to see him that way. He gave all those she took photos of an invitation to the gallery. He did not know how to give yours because all the while, she did not want you to know. Most of the pictures of her in this room were submitted by her friends. Andy told them to post pictures of how they want to remember her. It's amazing really how people responded.”, the Ahjumma explained.

“Ahjumma, there's a phone call for you..”, the boy interrupted. The woman and the boy excused themselves.

Hyunjoong looked around seeing only the woman he loved more than his life and loathed at the same time. Tears started to spill. He was feeling hurt, confused, angry, sad.

He knees shook thinking he could have done better for her, hoping he could have made her feel loved. He could have said the words he felt but never had the courage to tell her. He was on his hands and knees as the pain groped him by the throat.

He reached for his wallet and took out a picture. It was the only snapshot he took of her. He has kept it with him all along because that was the day he finally realized that if there was someone in this world he could spend the rest of his life with, it had to be her, Hwangbo Hyejung. He looked at the picture one last time. She looked peaceful and amazingly gorgeous sleeping, wearing the short wedding gown for their 100th day photo shoot during WGM.

Hyunjoong stood up, looking at the happy memories she had with so many people.

Junjin and her in highschool—We'll always be best of friends Hyejung, Junjin wrote.

Andy and her in one of their trips outside Korea—I love you Hyejungah..you know that right??, Andy wrote.

Dongwan and her when he got out of the military—I won't cry because you do not want me to, but deep inside, my heart is in pain because I can no longer be with you, he wrote.

Her and Boram in their bikinis, out sunbathing—Who am I supposed to go call in the middle of the night when I feel bad or depressed?, she inscribed.

Euni and her in the set of FDTV—It felt like a piece of me has gone missing, Hyejungah, she wrote.

Shimty and her—You were not only my talent, you were my friend, my sister, I will be missing you so much.

Her Manager and her—I might never find someone as dedicated and hardworking as you, I love and will miss you terribly.

Her Oppa and her—Missing you is an understatement, the pain of losing my beloved sister will continue to linger until the day I die.

Her Mother and Father holding her as a little girl—We are still wallowing in pain, Hyejungah.

Jeewon and her in one of Seoul's fashion shows—How long will it be before this pain stops Jungie? I am missing more and more everyday.

Yunho and her in Loveletter couple uniforms, slicing a cake together—Noona, you did not even give me a chance, but I know he made you happy even for just a short while.

Seungho posing like a fanboy with her during an album signing—Noona, ottoke?.

Rain and her on a group date at some random club—Noona, why do you always keep me in the dark? Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be good enough for you, even just as a friend?.

Micky lounging on a chair beside her inside her dressing room—My ideal woman is a tomboyish angel.

Nicole and her in the set of Nodaji—Thank you for always taking care of me Unnie.

Miss Shin and her holding beer mugs—Did I ever tell you that I actually thought of marrying you?.

Ryeowon and her inside the old car she once talked about in Strong Heart—I will continue texting you, like you're still here because right now, the thought that you're gone is still too painful.

Ryu Siwon and her talking outside their race cars—How does one recover from losing a best friend?.

Eunhyuk and her in the radio station—Noona, I've never even asked you to slow dance with me.

Heechul making faces behind her as she hammed it up for the camera—Hyejung Noona, be happy wherever you are because you deserve twice as much for being the true angel that you are.

Haha poking her by the ribs as they sat on a couch waiting for their cue—I know it's impossible, but will you reply to my tweets, I just want to know if you're okay there.

Hodong carrying her in his big arms—You say you're tough and strong, but to me, you're still just a little lady trying to find her place in the sun. With you so far away, how can I protect you?

And many more..

“She was well loved, wasn't she? She was well loved by everyone, but the only one she loved was you, you were her only one”, Junjin said as he entered the small room. “She loved without limits, but she set a limit when she loved you--”

“Because she did not want to see you hurt. It hurt her twice as much to see you in pain because of her, so she opted to stay as far away as she could.”, he continued, “The doctors told her she had less than a year to live after her remission and that no surgery nor therapy could help her, but when she was with you, she wanted so much to continue and take care of you, make you the happiest man. She questioned God so many times, why it had to be her, why she had to have cancer of all people. That's why she left you when she was at her weakest.”

Junjin handed Hyunjoong a picture, “She kept this with her all the time. She said she was happiest when she was with you.”

Junjin left him alone as he continued to stare at the so-called family portrait they had with Jins.

Hyunjoong looked again at the picture of her that he was holding. He took out a pen from his pocket and started to scribble – I wish you told me, so that I did not have to spend so much time putting the puzzle pieces together and end up hating you for leaving me each time. I wish you told me, so that I can share your pain even just a little of it. Was it too painful Buin? Are you still hurting now? This picture is how I will always imagine you to be—painless, happy, immortal, beautiful. I love you. I have always had and will always be in love with you.

He took the other picture, and started to scribble – I know it's too late, but will you marry me? For real, this time.. You say I am the only one, I say you are my only one true love. Will you wait for me there?

A Day In The Life Of - Phone Calls

Have you seen Gummy's MV yet? It was painfully beautiful. Painful because I wished it was uri Unnie in that video, but Ryeowon did pretty well-reminds me of her character in Which Star Did You Come From? And beautiful because (I'm not sure if you feel the same way) the story was SSOOOOO WGM. I mean suddenly living in the same house with some stranger, the awkwardness, then developing feelings, then the complications, then HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Maybe I'm just weird, but I was like-is this why HJ agreed to do the MV? Ugh, me and my Joongbo obsession, somebody stop me!!!

This is for 4everjoongbo, for giving me ideas (ideas that you should be using to write fics btw)....

When I saw that MV, I was wondering how HJ was on the set, was he chatty to Ryeowon? Was he nice? Was he awkward because oh well, she's a Chakra and the other 'she' was Chakra's leader? Did they talk about 'her'? Nyahahaha... Me and my silly imaginations.. Must be the summer heat...

"Unnie....", came the voice from the other end of the line. She sounded like she was stressed, perplexed, frustrated all at the same time.

"Yoboseyo??", Hwangbo asked just to confirm that it was really her friend on the other line.

"Unnie! Help me! It's Ryeowon...", the other lady said.

"Omo.. I thought it was someone else using your phone. I did not recognize your voice. What's the problem? Why do you sound like you are about to cry?", Hwangbo asked, concerned about what was happening to her friend.

"Unnnniieeeee!!", Ryeowon wailed, her voice trembling.

"Why? What's wrong? Where are you?", Hwangbo stood from her seat, troubled by her Chakra sister's sudden outburst.

"Ottoke?", the younger woman said, sniffing like she has a cold.

"What? What is it? Are you in your apartment? I'm coming over...", Hwangbo started searching for her car keys, trying to get a grip of panic stricken self.

"No, no Unnie. No need to come over. It's just that..", Ryeowon stopped mid sentence, making Hwangbo even more worried.

It has been three weeks since she communicated with her bandmate, and she sounded fine when Hwangbo called her after receiving yet another SMS. It's truly fascinating how they still kept in contact after the group disbanded years ago. They had always been close. As Hwangbo said in one of her interviews, 'She is my constant textmate'

"It's just that... I do not know what to do anymore...", Ryeowon continued then took a deep breath. "How did you put up with him?"

Hwangbo fell silent totally confused at what her pal was talking about, "Eh??"

"Him, your Shillang.. Kim Hyunjoong...", she stated the name clearly.

Hwangbo was taken aback, then laughed. She was surprised by Ryeowon's call, but even more surprised to hear her asking how she dealt with her ex-WGM husband.

"Don't laugh, Unnie..", she whispered, "Hwangbo Hyejung, stop laughing"

Hwangbo was imagining Ryeowon's face at that very moment. Her face always turned red when she was frustrated or angry, and she put on a funny phony plastic smile when other people ask if she was alright.

"Arrasso. I won't laugh!", Hwangbo tried to pacify her laughter, remembering the instructions she gave him when working or meeting other women.

"Mmm, just think of him as your dongsaeng. A good friend. Like you normally do with your other Idol Dongsaengs..", she said, trying to imitate Ryeowon's serious voice. It was the same exact advice Ryeowon gave Hwangbo when she was fretting about joining We Got Married and having Kim Hyunjoong as her husband.

"Yahhh!!", Ryeowon screamed into the receiver. "You are not allowed to copy my advice. And by the way, that's not the kind of advice that I want."

Hwangbo giggled, "Arrasso, why then? Is he giving you a hard time? Do you want Unnie to beat him up for you?"

"Aish.. Unnie, be serious, okay?", Ryeowon was growing irritated. "It's just that he does not speak, Unnie. I mean, he's fine when the camera starts rolling, but during breaks and in between takes, he does not speak. I saw him earlier talking to a cameraman, he was fine and laughing. I thought at first, maybe he's just uneasy because I am older, but the cameraman was like 40 years old..."

Hwangbo's eyes danced in amusement and her lips twitched upwards.

"How am I supposed to make a connection with him? It gets awkward when we start acting. I know nothing about him.", Ryeowon started to rant.

"With Henney, Hyunbinssi, Raewonssi, I had to talk to them and get to know them before filming so that we could get comfortable, but your Shillang, Unnie, he's being difficult."

"He does not speak. When I ask him questions or try to be friendly, he uses hand gestures to talk to me. What's even worse is that he does not look me in the eye. Sometimes, I wonder, is he mute? Or deaf perhaps?"

"When we start filming, he's fine, but I get awkward. I cannot make a connection.."

"Unnie, ottoke? I promised Jeeyeon* Unnie that I would do my best for her comeback song, but Kim Hyunjoongssi, he's, I don't know, weird!", Ryeowon finished her speech with a big sigh.

"Maybe, he's just starstruck. I mean, you're a big actress and all..", Hwangbo tried to control the amusement bubbling inside her from becoming another boisterous laughter.

"Oh please, I even asked my manager to make us kimbap and bring it on the set, so that I could share it with everyone. You know, just to show him, popularity does not get in my head that easily. I mean, I was taught well by my leaderssi.", she started to jabber again.

"Uhh, just tell him.. Oh, how should I put this. Just tell him, Hwangbo says it's okay to talk to you.", Hwangbo said as giggles escaped her throat, giving the same advice she gave her friend, Yoon Eunhye not so long ago.

"Huh?", it was Ryeowon's turn to get confused. "What does that mean?"

"He'll know what that means. Believe me, he'll start talking to you, just tell him that.", the older woman answered, trying to be more serious this time.

The Director of the MV started yelling, calling the cast and staff over.

"I have to go, Unnie. Thanks", Ryeowon quickly ended the call.

She walked over to where the people gathered and stood beside Hyunjoong. She cleared her throat catching Hyunjoong's attention.

"Hwangbo Unnie,", she started, making Hyunjoong turn his attention to her.

"She said, it's okay to talk to me...", she continued.

Hyunjoong just nodded, leaving Ryeowon confused.

"Noona,", he said when the Director finished making his announcements. "Do you still have some kimbap? I'm really hungry.."

Ryeowon nodded and pointed over to her manager. When Hyunjoong saw her pointing towards the man near the window, he just simply walked over and asked for some kimbap, leaving Ryeowon dazed with the sudden change of the idol's attitude. She was told by many that he was weird, but she did not know he was that weird and strange.
"Yoboseyo??", Hwangbo picked up her vibrating cellphone that was inside her back pocket.

"Buin!", Hyunjoong exclaimed.

"Ow, Shillang. Why did you call?", she asked, again surprised by yet another call.

"I have something to tell you. Don't get mad, okay?", Hyunjoong whispered.

"Okay??", she replied, getting a hint of what he will tell her.

"Ryeowon Noona. She said it was okay to talk to her.", he explained like a kid caught red handed. "I did not talk to her until you told her to tell me that's it's okay to talk to her. I promise, Buin.."

Hwangbo almost dropped to the floor as she laughed her heart out.

"I kept my promise.", he immediately declared, "I used hand gestures and stuff..."

Hwangbo couldn't speak, she felt as if she would die from laughter and his 4Dness.

When her laughter finally died down, he let out a big sigh.

"Oh good, you're not mad..", he exhaled again.

"Why? Is there something I should be mad about?", she asked her cheeks aching making it hard for her to use a more serious tone.

"Of course not!", he immediately answered. "I just don't want to sleep on the living room couch with Jins when I get home from Japan..."
*Jeeyeon -- Gummy's real first name