Secret Smile

Hello everyone! I'm back.. Well, not back as in really back. Just came in here to drop by and post.. I just want to give my heartfelt THANKIES to everyone who dropped by, read and commented. Means a lot to me, really!! I cannot mention everyone as I did before yet because I'm still caught up in my whirlwind of madness, but I promise to comeback and edit..

This one was typed up fast because someone's birthday is coming up pretty soon and she wrote me a fic on my birthday as well. I'm returning the favor and only she has the power to make me type up and whip up a fic real quick (and because a wicked troll tried to rain on her parade (amidst the SS501 reunion earlier), so I am trying to cheer her up)..

Yeah, yeah, it's for you Bebe.. So stop whining and making kuleeeet!! I no longer do this, you know! So, I hope it does not suck.. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Bebe.. May all your dreams and wishes come true! God bless you always!

He quietly took his turn and stepped on the podium. The cameras start to flash. He adjusts the lapels of his suit and as if a switch inside him was turned on, he twitched his lips upward to a half smile, raised his right hand a bit and started waving, smiling for the reporters, photographers, even some fans who were present.

“Turn here..”


“Here, Hyun Joong!”

They all chimed together, but he was not exactly listening to them. He has a unique ability to tune out, perhaps block all those photographers. Instead, he takes that opportunity to look around, observe what was going on.

It was a quieter event, he went to this time. There weren’t as many photographers nor reporters. And just a very few fans (and thank God, they were not his fans—an idol could use some peace and quiet, and perhaps something ‘normal’ in his life every now and then). Of course, it’s a wedding he was attending after all.

He scanned the venue. He knew most of the attendees and guests. Most of them his Sunbaes in the business.  Actors, actresses and comedians. He shrugs a little.

‘It’s going to be a long day..’, he murmurs inside his head. Although he has done two dramas now, he was still uncomfortable with actors and actresses, and maybe a little embarrassed because of the many bad reviews he has had with his acting abilities.

He continues scanning the crowd and finally, his expression becomes a little less stiff. He finally saw some people he spent some time with. ‘They were people he met from his previous marriage’, he recalls when he was taught on how he should regard Song Euni and Baek Boram. They were talking to the groom, Jung Jun Ha. Hyun Joong could not hear their hysterical laughter, but the guests sure did notice.

A few more clicks and he was off the hook.

He stepped out of the podium. Hyun Joong could not help but look at the group, still animatedly talking. This time the groom-to-be was no longer with them. Their laughter was spiraling around the room—infectious, happy, loud.

Song Euni suddenly felt self conscious. She looked around and noticed people looking at them, “Yah, keep your voices down. Everyone’s staring at us..”, she said.

Baek Boram’s face immediately turned as red as a tomato and quietly backed out, standing behind someone Hyun Joong did not see earlier.

She was wearing a navy blue silk halter dress that flowed carelessly around her knees. Her legs looked long and slender in her black pumps. Her hair was tied up in a loose pony tail as some tendrils lovingly touched her glowing face. She barely wears make up on but her cheeks seemed like they were tinted.

She looked like a glowing angel pretending to be human. She was (and this is an understatement) gorgeous, Hyun Joong noted, but then again she has always been gorgeous even when she fell asleep in his couch while waiting for him to arrive. She was his glowing angel pretending to be human.

He finally caught his Hye Jung’s eyes. She blinked, feeling embarrassed for their behavior.

From afar, it would look like nothing, but if one looks closer, one could see the sparks and hear the soft flapping of butterfly wings.

Hye Jung’s face flushed some more. He loved that after all these years he still had that effect on her.

Yes, it has been three years. They have been a couple for three years. Although, Hyun Joong would have wanted to shout to the world how much love he has for his woman, he had to respect her boundaries and do everything on her terms. Everything from no endorsements, collaborations, public appearance, mentions about each other were thought up by her. He had to admit though, it lasted this long partly because of their set up and mostly because they both wanted it to work out so badly.

Hyun Joong rolled his eyes at her. She pouted her lips then they twist up to a cute smile. This was her secret smile. The one she uses when she tries to make him feel better, the one she uses when she tries to tell him she loves him, the one she uses when she feels happy just by being in his arms. The smile she smiles only for him.

Hyun Joong finds himself smiling as he turns and walks away. He quietly fishes his iPhone from his pocket and types up a text message.

On the other end of the room, Hye Jung feels her purse vibrate. She quietly reads her message and flushes crimson, “Don’t use that smile on me, Woman! You know what it does to me. ;-) I can’t wait to have you all to myself. I’ll see you at home, my Love.”

*guilty smile* Happy 4th, you guys!

I did not prepare this year, and I feel rather guilty.. Instead, I chose to catch up on Yoochun's Rooftop Prince because my Cassie heart can't help but adore Hwangbo's fanboy/Hyunjoong's best buddy..

So here's a purple cake for everyone.. I know JB USA met at KMF (hope you had a blast and enjoyed Ash Unni's yummy cuppy cakes) and JB PH had dinner somewhere..

Let's keep believing!!

Enter Sandman...

I was yapping about this in Twitter, it was freakingly disturbing for me to have a dream like this.

This is so unlike the giddy Yunho+Heechul dream I posted a few years back..

It is for me a horrendous experience. Maybe Arirang+MTV China (Ella was super cute in that MTV I saw, by the way)+No Sleep Saturday+Margaritas+Epic Fail Barbecue Buffet caused this.

I'll just give you a summary of my so-called nightmare because having to give you a blow-by-blow story would mean I have to re-live that ordeal.

I don't know how I got there or why.. All I know is that I found myself seated in a cafe with a friend.

In front of us was a Korean woman. She was probably in her mid 30s. And we were talking (yes, ENGLISH!) I was completely drawn to her. She was very nice and down to earth and humble. And, she had a quirky sense of humor. Physically, she was a typical Korean, but she had darker complexion. She wore simple clothes (like the usual office attire--white blouse and square pants.. Nothing that says Fashionista). She had some make-up but it did not really hide her age.

We were talking and laughing. She had a bright, sunny yellow aura that made me admire her. She smiled a lot, too.

We were in the middle of a conversation when a guy came in and took the seat beside her. He kissed her.. On the lips.. In front of us!! He then murmured an apology about getting lost on the way to the loo. The woman smiled at him and said it was okay, and that there were people who kept her company anyway. She introduced us to her boyfriend.

When the guy faced us, I froze. My smile completely faded. How can it be that the guy in front of me was him? Gah! It couldn't be him. I mean he was Mr. Big Shot, he was a Hallyu star for Chrissake!

It was until my friend confirmed who he was when it started to sink in. He was Kim Hyun Joong.

Although it was obvious what he was doing there, I was in denial. It couldn't be 'THEM', right? I mean it's 2012 and I am supposed to be waiting for that day when my OTP becomes 'Buin and Shillang' for real. My heart broke and it felt like my tears were about to burst. My heart hurt so bad for Hwangbo. It almost felt like I was the one facing the person I loved the most--not that it was proved that there is or was a 'Ssangchu' apart from what we saw in WGM.

That was too much information poured over me right there. But my friend being the great inquisitor and totally ignorant of how I was feeling at that moment, kept pressing them on. She even looked very excited, like some papparazzi when new gossip was served in silver platter.

They shyly admitted to a 2 year old secret relationship. They blushed talking about it. He said he came to Cebu after his event in Manila to be with her back in 2010. He said she makes her happy. He said she makes him a better person. He said she makes her learn to love unselfishly. He said his heart beats abnormally around her. And after all these admissions, his blush has become a deep shade of red. His blush, his smile, the spark in his eyes screams hopelessly in love.

Shit!! I mean, (*&*(^*&^%$%&(_ SHIT, right?! I looked at the woman beside him, how can he replace MY UNNIE with a woman older than her, simpler than her, obviously not even half as pretty as her? But then I realized, those were not the things that devastated me most. What made me feel like the heavens were falling on my head was the Love I see in his eyes. He looked at her and there was a spark in his eyes. He held her hand and there was a smile so real, so true, so honest, so in love.

I remember clenching my teeth, trying to stop myself from standing up and shouting "OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.."

I remember trying to count from 1 through 100 just to calm myself down.

Once I got a grip of myself, I tried listening in again on what they were saying.

I think my friend asked something like was he not busy, what was he doing in Cebu..

He put on a cheeky smile, "I came to surprise her, but instead, I was the one who was surprised."

"Eh?", my friend asked.

"I arrived early this morning to surprise her for our anniversary.." he explained.

I smirked, 'It's Ssangchu's 4th year anniversary..'

His lady-love smiled shyly, "I told him.."

"I'm gonna be a Daddy in 6 and a half months..", he added. Excited. Happy. Ecstatic.

I, on the other hand, felt like I could not breathe. All those dreaming and imagining how perfect my OTP would be together, shattered. I mean, bullshit, right?!

What made me feel so much worse was that the woman, although not pretty, she was too damn nice to hate! She was impossible to hate. She was not perfect, but she was perfect for him.

They were happy!


And how can you deprive someone of that happiness? I have admitted time and again, that I AM NOT A KIM HYUN JOONG FAN!! I was supposed to be hating on him in that situation. I was supposed to be throwing rocks at him, cursing him, accusing him of whatever, pulling out his hairs, calling him names. But being the 'rational' and 'open-minded' girl that I am, I started thinking. Who am I to deprive or hate or even question a person when you can see the love radiating in his smile, in his eyes, in his face? Who am I to tell him he made the wrong choice when you can feel his joy, his happiness; when his joy and happiness has become infectious?

Then I thought, if it were HwangBo in that same situation, and she fell in love with another man, my reaction would be different. I would be ever accepting and supportive. I would be happy for her and I would probably be the first to bless her (even if she would not need my blessings).

I was in a sea of raging emotions and opinions. My heart cracked but my brain told me to (wo)man it up, accept it and just be happy for them.


I grew angry but not at him, not at the person who grabbed his heart. I was angry at the 'what could have been' if only he fell in love with my Unnie instead of that woman beside him.

Good thing, I woke up. Good thing, my friend who came to the resort with me was sleeping ever so deeply, because I was not sure if I started talking or if I cried in my sleep.

Gah!! Up to this day, I still remember just how raw the pain and emotions were.

I am not sure if you guys would be as, say, disturbed or bothered with such dreams. You know the feeling when you're so helpless? I am not a rude fan and I mostly respect opinions and accept decisions. I felt like I could have done something, I could have said something, but what was it that I could have done to make him change his decision? What was it that I could have said to make him realize he made the wrong decision? Most importantly, who am I to say he made the wrong choice?

But it's all just a dream (more like a nightmare really). I woke up feeling really bad and disturbed. See, how crazy this fandom has made me?? Ahck! And why am I so affected?

I must have some loose screws up in my head..

And, I'm only sharing because they said if I keep dreams/nightmares to myself they would come true. I would not want that to happen EVER.. I still believe in my OTP's happy ending. And, I want them to be happy whichever path they choose, but 95% of me want them to end up together..

So, am I crazy for letting this stupid drive me nuts over Easter Sunday? Because I would tell myself: YES BRU, YOU HAVE GONE MAD!!! I guess you can go ahead and blame it on the Margarita..


The Finish Line

And here's 'Happy'..


The smell of fresh linen filled your senses as you stretch your limbs and arms.

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes using the back of your hand as you try to remember where you were. You pressed the duvet cover closer to your body, feeling the warmth and softness of the white fluffy cotton. You sank your half asleep head deeper into the pillow then stretched your arms and legs as if playing in the snow, making angels.

Everything was as you wanted it to be on a cold snowy morning.

A soft, warm queen-sized bed..

Heavy draperies hanging on the curtain rod blocking the daylight, yet allowing the sun's rays to peak inside your little euphoria.

There was no music, just birds chirping from an old sycamore tree that you guess should be right outside your window and the gentle humming of the AC.

It would have been perfect if only your mind was not so blurry from sleep. You force yourself to wake up, but your eyes drooped heavily.

Last night must have been loaded with alcohol because you seemed to have forgotten what took place.

You touched your head, but you didn't feel any sign of dizziness nor pain, there was no hangover at all.

'No, no alcohol was involved..', you thought.

You stretched again. Maybe you had too much fun last night or you were so tired, you told your sleepy self.

With eyes closed, you let your hands roam. Your hands reached what seemed to be a piece of paper.

You slowly eased yourself up, opened the piece of yellow paper and started to read.

'Have you stretched your arms and legs already?', you smiled at the familiar penmanship. 'I bet you sank your head in one of the pillows and made snow angels again, are you really awake now?'

Your smile grew wider, and then you remembered where you were and what took place yesterday.

'You must have panicked when you thought you could not remember. Maybe I should have started this letter with 'thank you for last night's booty call', and watch you storm out of the room.'

You laughed.

'I watched you sleep last night.. I watched you sleep so soundly. You looked so peaceful, like you felt safe and secure with my arms wrapped around you tight. I was watching you breathe and smile in your sleep. I watched as you pressed your cheek on my chest and leaned closer to me, and it felt so good. It felt good to have you so close to me, it felt good be able to wrap my arms around your tiny waist without having to worry about the rest of the world because now, you are mine and I am yours. Perhaps, I never told you, so I am telling you now. There aren't really any words to describe it, but being with you, here and now, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel like this is where I should be, that I am where I should be, I am where I truly belong. I belong here! Here is my rightful place. After years and years of trying to find my place under the sun, I found my spot. And it's here, right beside the person I trust and respect and love more than myself, right beside you, Mrs. Kim Hyun Joong. Ahhh, did you know how proud I was when the minister said that, Mr. and Mrs. Kim Hyun Joong.’

‘Last night people told me, finally we've reached the finish line. It made me think.. It made me think of the battles we will have to endure, the dreams we will build, the laughter and the tears we will share, the love we will make, the happiness and the stormy nights, the ups, the downs. It made me think of the mornings I will wake up and find you beside me. So, I asked myself, yesterday, when we made it official, when we told the world we will spend the rest of our lives together, was it the finish line?’

'Here’s my reply: No, it wasn't. It was just a warm up run for the many other marathons we will run, and this time, we will run and cross every one of them together.’

‘There are no finish lines for us, only pit stops. And we will go through each one of them and enjoy every single one of them, together. Let's not promise each other that, my Buin, let's just do it. Let's just make our love grow so big, so huge, so great.’

“Mushy..”, you muttered, but you smiled, holding the piece of paper near your heart then set it aside.

You wrapped the duvet cover around your body, and started getting out of bed.. You walked towards the door and sighed at the sight of the topless man trying his best to cook you breakfast.

You came right behind him and hugged him.

“There are no finish lines in our marathon, but here I am with my special prize.”, you whispered as you pressed a soft, tender kiss on a spot on his back..

So, it'll take some time before I could post the third one--which was an ugly dream of mine. It's really not so pleasant, and it broke my heart and bothered (and disturbed) my Easter Sunday.

Do let me know if you want it posted. I don't know how to create a poll, so just let me know through the comments box (because I am running out of creative ideas...


Edit: No need for the poll. I shall post it because someone said if I don't share my dreams(or nightmares), it might come true.. Waaaaahhh!!