*guilty smile* Happy 4th, you guys!

I did not prepare this year, and I feel rather guilty.. Instead, I chose to catch up on Yoochun's Rooftop Prince because my Cassie heart can't help but adore Hwangbo's fanboy/Hyunjoong's best buddy..

So here's a purple cake for everyone.. I know JB USA met at KMF (hope you had a blast and enjoyed Ash Unni's yummy cuppy cakes) and JB PH had dinner somewhere..

Let's keep believing!!

Enter Sandman...

I was yapping about this in Twitter, it was freakingly disturbing for me to have a dream like this.

This is so unlike the giddy Yunho+Heechul dream I posted a few years back..

It is for me a horrendous experience. Maybe Arirang+MTV China (Ella was super cute in that MTV I saw, by the way)+No Sleep Saturday+Margaritas+Epic Fail Barbecue Buffet caused this.

I'll just give you a summary of my so-called nightmare because having to give you a blow-by-blow story would mean I have to re-live that ordeal.

I don't know how I got there or why.. All I know is that I found myself seated in a cafe with a friend.

In front of us was a Korean woman. She was probably in her mid 30s. And we were talking (yes, ENGLISH!) I was completely drawn to her. She was very nice and down to earth and humble. And, she had a quirky sense of humor. Physically, she was a typical Korean, but she had darker complexion. She wore simple clothes (like the usual office attire--white blouse and square pants.. Nothing that says Fashionista). She had some make-up but it did not really hide her age.

We were talking and laughing. She had a bright, sunny yellow aura that made me admire her. She smiled a lot, too.

We were in the middle of a conversation when a guy came in and took the seat beside her. He kissed her.. On the lips.. In front of us!! He then murmured an apology about getting lost on the way to the loo. The woman smiled at him and said it was okay, and that there were people who kept her company anyway. She introduced us to her boyfriend.

When the guy faced us, I froze. My smile completely faded. How can it be that the guy in front of me was him? Gah! It couldn't be him. I mean he was Mr. Big Shot, he was a Hallyu star for Chrissake!

It was until my friend confirmed who he was when it started to sink in. He was Kim Hyun Joong.

Although it was obvious what he was doing there, I was in denial. It couldn't be 'THEM', right? I mean it's 2012 and I am supposed to be waiting for that day when my OTP becomes 'Buin and Shillang' for real. My heart broke and it felt like my tears were about to burst. My heart hurt so bad for Hwangbo. It almost felt like I was the one facing the person I loved the most--not that it was proved that there is or was a 'Ssangchu' apart from what we saw in WGM.

That was too much information poured over me right there. But my friend being the great inquisitor and totally ignorant of how I was feeling at that moment, kept pressing them on. She even looked very excited, like some papparazzi when new gossip was served in silver platter.

They shyly admitted to a 2 year old secret relationship. They blushed talking about it. He said he came to Cebu after his event in Manila to be with her back in 2010. He said she makes her happy. He said she makes him a better person. He said she makes her learn to love unselfishly. He said his heart beats abnormally around her. And after all these admissions, his blush has become a deep shade of red. His blush, his smile, the spark in his eyes screams hopelessly in love.

Shit!! I mean, (*&*(^*&^%$%&(_ SHIT, right?! I looked at the woman beside him, how can he replace MY UNNIE with a woman older than her, simpler than her, obviously not even half as pretty as her? But then I realized, those were not the things that devastated me most. What made me feel like the heavens were falling on my head was the Love I see in his eyes. He looked at her and there was a spark in his eyes. He held her hand and there was a smile so real, so true, so honest, so in love.

I remember clenching my teeth, trying to stop myself from standing up and shouting "OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.."

I remember trying to count from 1 through 100 just to calm myself down.

Once I got a grip of myself, I tried listening in again on what they were saying.

I think my friend asked something like was he not busy, what was he doing in Cebu..

He put on a cheeky smile, "I came to surprise her, but instead, I was the one who was surprised."

"Eh?", my friend asked.

"I arrived early this morning to surprise her for our anniversary.." he explained.

I smirked, 'It's Ssangchu's 4th year anniversary..'

His lady-love smiled shyly, "I told him.."

"I'm gonna be a Daddy in 6 and a half months..", he added. Excited. Happy. Ecstatic.

I, on the other hand, felt like I could not breathe. All those dreaming and imagining how perfect my OTP would be together, shattered. I mean, bullshit, right?!

What made me feel so much worse was that the woman, although not pretty, she was too damn nice to hate! She was impossible to hate. She was not perfect, but she was perfect for him.

They were happy!


And how can you deprive someone of that happiness? I have admitted time and again, that I AM NOT A KIM HYUN JOONG FAN!! I was supposed to be hating on him in that situation. I was supposed to be throwing rocks at him, cursing him, accusing him of whatever, pulling out his hairs, calling him names. But being the 'rational' and 'open-minded' girl that I am, I started thinking. Who am I to deprive or hate or even question a person when you can see the love radiating in his smile, in his eyes, in his face? Who am I to tell him he made the wrong choice when you can feel his joy, his happiness; when his joy and happiness has become infectious?

Then I thought, if it were HwangBo in that same situation, and she fell in love with another man, my reaction would be different. I would be ever accepting and supportive. I would be happy for her and I would probably be the first to bless her (even if she would not need my blessings).

I was in a sea of raging emotions and opinions. My heart cracked but my brain told me to (wo)man it up, accept it and just be happy for them.


I grew angry but not at him, not at the person who grabbed his heart. I was angry at the 'what could have been' if only he fell in love with my Unnie instead of that woman beside him.

Good thing, I woke up. Good thing, my friend who came to the resort with me was sleeping ever so deeply, because I was not sure if I started talking or if I cried in my sleep.

Gah!! Up to this day, I still remember just how raw the pain and emotions were.

I am not sure if you guys would be as, say, disturbed or bothered with such dreams. You know the feeling when you're so helpless? I am not a rude fan and I mostly respect opinions and accept decisions. I felt like I could have done something, I could have said something, but what was it that I could have done to make him change his decision? What was it that I could have said to make him realize he made the wrong decision? Most importantly, who am I to say he made the wrong choice?

But it's all just a dream (more like a nightmare really). I woke up feeling really bad and disturbed. See, how crazy this fandom has made me?? Ahck! And why am I so affected?

I must have some loose screws up in my head..

And, I'm only sharing because they said if I keep dreams/nightmares to myself they would come true. I would not want that to happen EVER.. I still believe in my OTP's happy ending. And, I want them to be happy whichever path they choose, but 95% of me want them to end up together..

So, am I crazy for letting this stupid drive me nuts over Easter Sunday? Because I would tell myself: YES BRU, YOU HAVE GONE MAD!!! I guess you can go ahead and blame it on the Margarita..


The Finish Line

And here's 'Happy'..


The smell of fresh linen filled your senses as you stretch your limbs and arms.

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes using the back of your hand as you try to remember where you were. You pressed the duvet cover closer to your body, feeling the warmth and softness of the white fluffy cotton. You sank your half asleep head deeper into the pillow then stretched your arms and legs as if playing in the snow, making angels.

Everything was as you wanted it to be on a cold snowy morning.

A soft, warm queen-sized bed..

Heavy draperies hanging on the curtain rod blocking the daylight, yet allowing the sun's rays to peak inside your little euphoria.

There was no music, just birds chirping from an old sycamore tree that you guess should be right outside your window and the gentle humming of the AC.

It would have been perfect if only your mind was not so blurry from sleep. You force yourself to wake up, but your eyes drooped heavily.

Last night must have been loaded with alcohol because you seemed to have forgotten what took place.

You touched your head, but you didn't feel any sign of dizziness nor pain, there was no hangover at all.

'No, no alcohol was involved..', you thought.

You stretched again. Maybe you had too much fun last night or you were so tired, you told your sleepy self.

With eyes closed, you let your hands roam. Your hands reached what seemed to be a piece of paper.

You slowly eased yourself up, opened the piece of yellow paper and started to read.

'Have you stretched your arms and legs already?', you smiled at the familiar penmanship. 'I bet you sank your head in one of the pillows and made snow angels again, are you really awake now?'

Your smile grew wider, and then you remembered where you were and what took place yesterday.

'You must have panicked when you thought you could not remember. Maybe I should have started this letter with 'thank you for last night's booty call', and watch you storm out of the room.'

You laughed.

'I watched you sleep last night.. I watched you sleep so soundly. You looked so peaceful, like you felt safe and secure with my arms wrapped around you tight. I was watching you breathe and smile in your sleep. I watched as you pressed your cheek on my chest and leaned closer to me, and it felt so good. It felt good to have you so close to me, it felt good be able to wrap my arms around your tiny waist without having to worry about the rest of the world because now, you are mine and I am yours. Perhaps, I never told you, so I am telling you now. There aren't really any words to describe it, but being with you, here and now, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel like this is where I should be, that I am where I should be, I am where I truly belong. I belong here! Here is my rightful place. After years and years of trying to find my place under the sun, I found my spot. And it's here, right beside the person I trust and respect and love more than myself, right beside you, Mrs. Kim Hyun Joong. Ahhh, did you know how proud I was when the minister said that, Mr. and Mrs. Kim Hyun Joong.’

‘Last night people told me, finally we've reached the finish line. It made me think.. It made me think of the battles we will have to endure, the dreams we will build, the laughter and the tears we will share, the love we will make, the happiness and the stormy nights, the ups, the downs. It made me think of the mornings I will wake up and find you beside me. So, I asked myself, yesterday, when we made it official, when we told the world we will spend the rest of our lives together, was it the finish line?’

'Here’s my reply: No, it wasn't. It was just a warm up run for the many other marathons we will run, and this time, we will run and cross every one of them together.’

‘There are no finish lines for us, only pit stops. And we will go through each one of them and enjoy every single one of them, together. Let's not promise each other that, my Buin, let's just do it. Let's just make our love grow so big, so huge, so great.’

“Mushy..”, you muttered, but you smiled, holding the piece of paper near your heart then set it aside.

You wrapped the duvet cover around your body, and started getting out of bed.. You walked towards the door and sighed at the sight of the topless man trying his best to cook you breakfast.

You came right behind him and hugged him.

“There are no finish lines in our marathon, but here I am with my special prize.”, you whispered as you pressed a soft, tender kiss on a spot on his back..

So, it'll take some time before I could post the third one--which was an ugly dream of mine. It's really not so pleasant, and it broke my heart and bothered (and disturbed) my Easter Sunday.

Do let me know if you want it posted. I don't know how to create a poll, so just let me know through the comments box (because I am running out of creative ideas...


Edit: No need for the poll. I shall post it because someone said if I don't share my dreams(or nightmares), it might come true.. Waaaaahhh!!


Thank yous are in order....

Pammie, Bebe, Fudgy, SueAnne, Ate Sue, Silent Lurker 1, Silent Lurker 2, 4everjoongbo (i Miss you, Girl!!!), Anon, Emmalloyd, LvKprogram and all those who took the time to read...
Thank you so much.. Your comments mean a lot to me. I wasn't sure if I should post because i had the impression that this blog has become a ghost town.

Again, thank you for the kind comments.. They really do help keep me inspired--I just hope the silent lurkers and anon leave their names because, so I could address my thank yous.. I encourage everyone to leave your names when you leave me some love..

Moving on..

If we are Twitter friends, you'd know I promised to post three, but the other one was totally messing up my system, so bear with this one. The next one I am about to post is happy..

So this one came out of nowhere.. I just read a passage/quote in Twitter and VIOLA!!

It's sad, I know and I totally made HJ look bad, I'm expecting to get some haters in this one again.. i promise HJ Redemption on the next one..



Mrs. Han rushed out of her room as she heard a loud noise.

It seemed like another bottle of cognac or rum colliding against the wall.

She struggled desperately with the lock of the master's bedroom, but it seemed like all the keys in her hands were the wrong ones. She grew more and more weary as she heard a desperate cry from inside the room. Her hands seemed clammy and panic started to envelope her normally calm stature.

A huge pair of hands took the keys she was holding. The middle aged man smiled gently at her. "Don't worry, Ahjumma.", he reassured the old woman, "He's fine, Hyun Joong is fine.."

Mrs. Han nodded at Jun, removing her hands from the doorknob. "What was it this time, Jun?", she asked.

Jun let out a sigh. "We're guessing another bad dream. He woke up sweating and crying..", the man answered. "He was restless. He went to the bar and grabbed a bottle of cognac, started drinking--"

"He was watching the wedding video again, wasn’t he?", Mrs. Han knew it all too well.

It wasn’t the first time Hyun Joong woke up from those bad dreams, it wasn’t the first time he thought he could drink his miseries away, it wasn’t the first time he broke down as he watched his wedding video, and it certainly wasn’t the first time a bottle of liquor came flying and crashing to the wall.

Mrs. Han gasped, "He did not hurt himself this time, did he?"

Jun shook his head. "The rest of the men are monitoring the cameras. Before I left, he was calm, but still sobbing. I'm guessing he's still watching the video."

Mrs. Han began to feel pain in her chest, it hurt her that Hyun Joong was hurting. "Why is this happening to my sweet poor Hyun Joong?!", she whispered. "If only the Aghassi hadn’t left in haste.."

"We cannot blame Miss Hye Jung, Ahjumma.", Jun patted the wrinkled small woman's back, "She was in pain, too. She had given up so much for their marriage to work, but Hyun Joong hadn’t seen that then. He hadn’t seen how lonely Miss Hye Jung had become. There were even times he completely ignored her. There were times he cheated on her and even if Miss Hye Jung knew, she acted as if she had not a clue and continued to love him."

Mrs. Han nodded, "Yes, if only oohri Hyun Joongie hadn’t been so immature and self-absorbed, the Aghassi wouldn't have given up on him."

"They had been so happy at first, and they worked so hard and fought a lot of battles to be with each other.. But as time passed, even their love was not enough.."

"No, Ahjumma. Love was enough, but the young Sir realized it a bit too late.. Miss Hye Jung had made up her mind to leave and when she could not stand it anymore, she just crumbled and left.", Jun said.

Mrs. Han sighed. She could still remember the huge argument the young couple had. Their voices were loud, and it frightened the staff. Hye Jung cried buckets of tears and begged.
She left that night. She got her car and just left.

Mrs. Han could still remember the screeching of the wheels when the lady of the house left.
The next thing she heard after a loud silence were police sirens. The officers said Hye Jung's car flipped as she skidded through the icy road.

They said she died on the spot.. And, so did her unborn child.

She had been pregnant for six weeks.

That night could have been the night she broke the news to her Shillang, but the argument came first.

It's been 8 months, 5 days, 3 hours since the accident that took the lives of Hyunjoong's wife and their unborn child.

"He's just afraid to let go." Jun said, "I hope he realizes that Miss Hye Jung wouldn’t want to see him like that. She had such pure and kind heart. She wouldn’t want him to blame himself. He needs to let go.."

Mrs. Han started to move away from the door, Jun took her arm to support her.

"Yeah", she muttered as they started walking away, "But sometimes I think, it's not that Hyun Joong is afraid of letting go, he's just afraid of accepting the fact that she's gone.. the child is gone.. their love is gone."