So Goodbye

author's note: inspired by so goodbye, by sogyumo acacia band.

hwangbo's goodbye...geesh, i hope it does not turn out this way...

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5:00 am. That's how early the day starts for her. She's now in the van in heavy tinted big glasses, a warm jacket and denim jeans. It's cold. The dawn has always been cold for her these days, especially that it's almost winter. She slept quite early last night, but it seems like she could not get enough sleep for the past few days. She has been busy, very busy touring North America, then Europe. She's learned to smile and laugh again. In fact, she has mastered that laugh and smile so fake that no one will notice that it was forced. Now that she's back home, she has been spacing out and her brain keeps on wandering to other places, wondering about other people-a person to be very particular. She has not done this for a long time. All this time, she thought she could forget and just let go of ideas and the feeling that person actually brought. She could not help it. Now, she's back to square one. Why is she longing for that person again when it has been almost a year since their make believe ended?


6:30 am. Still in the van. She's going somewhere out of town. Somewhere quiet and peaceful. Somewhere no one knows her and she is not a singer nor a celebrity. She's off somewhere where she can be one with her loneliness and longing for her someone. She even decided to not use her cellphone with her manager's permission of course. Just for a day, she pleaded. But of course, that was impossible. Since her manager will not be able to join her, a PA was necessary. After much ramblings and reasons, it was decided that she could be away from her phone and that her PA will be the one to bring it while they were headed to the location.

7:01 am. They have finally arrived. It was a long ride, but worth it, she thought. A deep breath. A long sigh. She closed her eyes for a moment, and it was all dark. Nothing to see, nothing, but darkness. She took off her jacket and stretched. This was what she needed. This was what she was longing for. She took off her flipflops still with eyes closed and felt the sand tickling her toes. The beach, she sighed. As she opened her eyes, she could feel the warmth of the early morning sun. Definitely, what she needed, and again she let out a long sigh. The light salty breeze was like a powerful potion that she was not prepared for.

7:08 am. As she began strolling by the beach waiting for the other van, she passed a writing on the shoreline. It was faded and could no longer be read. Then, it hit her. This was what they used to do. She felt the pang in her heart. Her heart started to betray her. It was beating rapidly, like someone or something was chasing her. Only then did she realize that her heart was still functioning after all. She cursed silently. Traitor, she screamed to herself as she put her hand on her chest. She strolled on.

10:23 am. She was surrounded with kids now. Talking and singing. Playing around. Doing goofy stuff she used to do before they met. It was something she missed about herself, something she loved doing. In the sea of unfamiliar faces, she found herself again.

10:35 am. As she sat on the wooden chair inside the hall, she realized she could forget that person, too, if she really tried. It was after all just on screen acting.

6:15 pm. It was a long way back to the city. She's been thinking really hard about it. She's been looking for signs everywhere. She put on her headphones, something she normally did when she was confused and needed some sort of guidance and light. The playlist was shuffled,Junjin, must have used this the other day, she thought. And there it was, the sign she has been looking for. The soft strumming of the guitar strings. The easy melody. The warm female voice. There it was on her iPod in her bag which was in the Van since her arrival at the beach outside the city.

So Goodbye
I think I should have told you that I'm still yours
so goodbye my love
So Goodbye.


This was her sign, right? She desperately asked the heavens. An answer, please.

7:25 pm. In her apartment. In front of her closet, she stood for almost 15 minutes now. Afraid to open the doors, but she had to if this is the only way she knew how. It has never been opened for a long time. But she had to. Right here, right now.

7:35 pm. Going though boxes of old things and papers-paper cranes. She has kept them still, thinking it was something special. She dragged two boxes out, and placed them in front of her unused fireplace. It is time.

I here the birds singing It's time to go
so Goodbye my friend.

7:41 pm. The fire started to make a crackling sound. One by one, she threw in every piece of clothing. Couple clothes, as he called them. It was something he never wanted to wear-not at first anyway. But there are things people do for the sake of high TV ratings and popularity. In the fireplace is where they belong now. What a waste. Then followed the things he bought from Japan. What was she thinking asking for disposable panties anyway? She laughed at herself. Was I that comfortable with him to ask for such personal things? She shook her head in embarrassment. At least, she could courageously laugh at it now. Agreeing to do that TV program was a joke, and not long after, she became the joke when she fell for a boy who was acting on camera. Wait, we were only acting. Agh! What was I thinking? For that, she almost hit herself.

I thought, You would do but I was wrong
Now, I see myself still left alone
Now, I think I know where I belong

8:50 pm. She's finally woken up from her long stupor. She allowed herself to become the joke. She did not know when it happened, but it just did. Before she closed her eyes one night, all she could think about was him and how he was doing. For a time back then, she even stopped thinking about herself and made him her priority. She never told him. She never told anyone. She kept him a secret in her heart, but what she did that was so wrong and absurd was when she actually started to believe that the acting they did on camera was sincere and real. It was all for the show, she should have realized. But she crossed the line anyway. The sweet things he did and said, they were not what he really felt. He was young and dreamy. He was up for an adventure. Although, he was thankful for the lessons she taught him, for the care and being there to support him, love or something like it was the last thing on his mind. He was a professional in his craft alright, but he had other priorities. He did not look at her like the way she started to see him. To him, she was a co-worker, nothing more, nothing less. And although that fact hurt her, she still jumped across. And now, she's woken up from her deep comma. She's finally awake. She did not want to see herself fall deeper.

Now, she was ready to bid him farewell.

Now, I don't want to let this life go on
No more, no more

9:15 pm. She pulled yet another box from under her bed. They were the pictures of them together. The first day in that beautiful island, the pictures in their so-called 'new home' then their apartment, him wearing the knitted scarf, the vest, the contract, the dining table, the guitars. They all turned to ashes as she sprinkled their memories to the blazing fire. More pictures sent chills to her spine. The wedding photos, the trips with their co-workers, the trips they took alone. The theme park. Walking the streets of Tokyo, Japan. Their so-called family picture with Jins-her dog. The endless competitions. Her with his bandmates. All of them have turned to what they should have been in the first place. Ashes. Ashes left behind by bittersweet memories.

So Goodbye
Those bittersweet memories once so lovely

11:20 pm. She was ready for bed. She lay there staring blankly at the ceiling. She felt uneasy, like something had to be done, but she did not know what. All things that they shared were all ashes now. Then she heard a sound. There was a message on her cellphone. She crept up to her bedside table and picked up her hand phone. She read the message. 'Happy Birthday, Noona', it said. From: Guljo. She smiled bitterly, but her birthday was a week from now. There it was, the last straw, the final confirmation she needed. He remembered her, but he could no longer remember the details like before. With this, she gave up. There was no need for a reply. Without thinking twice, she deleted the message. It was goodbye. Then, his number was deleted. It was her final goodbye.

So Goodbye, I'm gone
So Goodbye

11:52 pm. Still staring at the last photo in her cellphone that they took together, she let out a sigh. It was impossible, but d@mned, it could have been so good, she thought. She stared at his eyes, and bid him farewell. Then she deleted that last memory. It was all gone now. She finally said goodbye. It was her time to move on and move up somehow.

Those pretty stary eyes once just for me
So Goodbye, i'm gone