I sit here watching the busy people walking past the busy streets going about their busy lives. It is a busy world I live in, but here I am, sitting, pretending that I do not have a busy week ahead of me.
I am 30 years old. My life never really went as planned. I was happy doing taekwondo and horsing around with friends as a teenager, but one day, someone came up to me and offered me a tempting job. It was difficult to let it pass. So, there I was dancing and singing, a passion I never really thought I would end up loving, a passion that lead me to life's events one after another.
Although I never really rose to the top as an entertainer, I am satisfied. I mean, what more can I want and ask for? This industry has given me more than just money and fame. Here, I found friends. Here, I found happiness. Here, I found treasures in life that I never really noticed before.
I've been kicked to the curb and was stuck in a rut, but I managed to rise up, I managed to rise beyond. And so, I am contented with me, with life, with the world. Someone said, you can only be as a happy as you make up your mind to be*. After the downfalls and the pain and the heart aches and the mistakes, I made up my mind to be happy and give back.
With the things I went through and the pain I have endured, I learned to feel with my heart. And so now, I can laugh and smile sincerely, honestly.
I learned to reach out to others knowing that there are more people in this world who are suffering more than I ever did or more than I ever will.
I may not be as popular as I once was when I sang and danced with my former bandmates, I may not be as popular as that time when I joined that reality show, but looking back now while I sit and wait, I realized I did not really lose as much as I gained. Because at the end of a long day at work, of photo shoots, of filmings, of outreach programs, of radio guestings, of band practices, I come home and become the me I always want to be.
As I sit here waiting for you to knock on that door, I try to pacify my wildly thumping heart.
I never really doubted you and I never really thought that one day you might not come home to me, but it makes me nervous when days like these come. It just happens every time. That moment when I hear the door bell and it's familiar tune, I go wild in anticipation. Maybe because I missed you too much, maybe because I get too excited to see you. All I know is that I am happy that I cannot hide it and it shows on my face. I am happy because I get to see you. I am happy because I get to hold you, kiss you, make love to you. I am happy because you are coming home to me. I am happy because I love you and the rest of the world just shrinks and leaves us alone. I am happy because soon everything becomes alright.
Why, they ask me, why Kim Hyunjoong?
They say, you are young and popular and only testing the waters. Some say, it's only puppy love and will soon vanish in thin air. Others say, I will only get hurt. Many say, you will only break my poor heart.
I do not answer them nor do I try to reply for they always have more reasons. I just smile, and wonder, isn't that answer enough already-my smile?
I have had men in my life. They have broken my heart and distorted it in so many ways. I, too, for a time was happy with them, but none, not one could make me smile and actually feel it in my heart, the way you do.
Models, actors, singers, drunken Oppas, idols, businessmen, CEOs have come and gone in my life. Blind dates, group dates-I've done them all.
My Omma and Appa once sat me down and talked to me. They questioned me, grilled me, warned me then they stopped. Not because they know that I am big girl who knows taekwondo and can protect myself, but because they saw how happy only you can make me, my Shillang.
They do not understand and I won't even try to make them because they will never really understand that only you make me feel like a natural woman.
When you kiss me in the morning, when you hold my hand, when you possessively snake your arms around my waist, when you eat whatever I put on the table because I woke up late, when you hug me after an argument, when you listen to my woes, when you rub my feet after an afternoon of passing out porridge to hungry kids in the winter, when you allow me to wear your favorite big shirts to sleep, when you glare at me because of my stage clothes and short skirts, when you envelope me in your sweet embrace after making love to me, when your eyes dance when I open the door for you-as I am doing now, when you do the things you do, my heart goes wild and my thoughts are scattered then I feel the happiness bubbling inside. Only you can make me feel like a natural woman. Only you can make me feel this way.
But if they ask me again, why Kim Hyunjoong?
I just have to tell them, 'Because he makes me, me. I do not know if people will ever understand what I feel for him and how he makes me feel. Joongie, my Shillang- I do not know what it is he has done to me. But, he makes me feel good inside. All I want is to stay close to him. Kim Hyunjoong is the key to my peace of mind. More importantly, he makes me feel like a natural woman.
~~
"I can't believe it's been two years, Shillang", she whispers into his ear, as they get lost in their embrace, forgetting that they are standing on their doorstep exposed to the harsh night winds.
He pulls away and stares intently at her. He plants the softest kiss on her lips.
"You better believe it, Hwangbo Hyejung." he takes her hands and blows some hot air on them. Hyunjoong then places both her hands on his cheek, "After everything, it's just me and you. Together. After all."
Her cheeks turn redder than its usual shade of pink. She becomes a woman. She becomes his woman.
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