author's note: just because JANIS JOPLIN is the ultimate ROCKSTAR!!! YI YI!!!
it seems i always end up writing sadder and more heart wrenching fics. i don't know...despite the spazzes at soompi and other joongbo/ssangchu sites, i am just not up to writing happy fics...something's wrong with me, i think i need a retreat (say, what??!!!)
so here, my take on Janis Joplin's Piece Of My Heart.
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The room has stayed still for a couple of hours now as two bodies lay motionless and still. The once pulsating rhythm of two hearts performing an age old dance has died down, as silence and calm breathing enveloped the darkened room.
You pushed yourself off the mattress as quietly as you could. Kicking the crumpled white linens that covered your body, and sat at the edge of your bed letting your feet feel the cold marble floor. You silently rubbed your eyes taking the powerful effect of sleep in the process. And, stared blankly at the neon green sign of the digital clock which was the only thing illuminating your room. 2:56AM, it shouted right back at you.
'It's bound to happen anytime soon', you bitterly thought.
You pushed your body entirely off the bed, and walked naked towards the open door of your bathroom. You quickly turned on the lights after closing the door. You stared at your reflection as the lights flickered. It was the same face, the same body from last night. You splashed some cold water on your face and realized that the pain that will hit you later is purely evident in your eyes.
Your eyes cannot seem to hide your true feelings and betrays you each time. It was an art that you have not mastered at all in all your 30 years on earth. It was something acting classes and college courses could never teach you.
You stared at your reflection a bit longer letting the water drop carelessly on the bathroom floor, and let out a big sigh. A mixture of frustration and anxiety, and some bits of pain came surging into your limp yet beating heart.
'It was time to go back', you thought.
Once again, you led yourself blindly towards the bed. As your feet touched that expensive Persian carpet you bought for yourself for Christmas two years ago, you stepped on a piece of cloth nimbly sitting on the layers of wool. 'Something made of cotton', you noted mentally. Instinctively, you picked it up. Right then and there, you drown. You drown yourself in the very scent that he left. It was his white dress shirt. The one that was discarded in one pull and was sent off flying somewhere when last night's heat and passion jumped started.
You let your nose touch the fabric and inhale his sweet manliness. It was the kind of intoxication and nostalgia you find yourself always going back to. Although, your brain has cautioned you that it was the sweetest brand of poison, you go ahead and let yourself indulge.
You carefully slipped into the shirt and let it hug your nakedness. The dawn had been unbelievably cold outside, but inside his white dress shirt, there was a feeling of warmth. A tingly sensation of comfort, of familiarity, of him, of Kim Hyunjoong.
The owner of the shirt lay on your bed, looking innocent as he sleeps. He looked peaceful and sated as he always does at this hour, so much different from the hungry and lustful face he wore earlier on. It was that innocent look that never fails to tug the strings of your heart. The rise and fall of his breathing was like a song that only you knew the lyrics to.
You snap out of your trance. You carefully took off the shirt, and placed it on top of the Kenneth Cobonpue love seat beside the bed. You slowly snuck in between the white linen sheets letting your back face the other person. You stared at the neon green sign, 3:15AM.
'Wake up', you silently urged him, for you knew it was time. It was time for him to get up from your bed and leave you, like he always does. It has become a routine. He used to knock on your door late at night. You used to to talk or make him some late dinner, but you always end up doing that one thing. You shiver in disgust at the thought that you always end up allowing him to use you to fulfill his desires, but you have no other choice. It was the only way you knew to make him stay beside you even for just a few hours. A few months ago, you gave him your security code hoping he'd get the hint that you were not only there to give in to his wishes, you were there to love him, and stay by his side no matter what. But he was too young, too dense to realize that. Still, you shrug it off because you are blindly in love with your manchild and you treasured every moment you could spend with him.
The sudden sound of the alarm of his cellular phone filled the quiet room, and you feel the bed shake a little. Hyunjoong was beginning to wake up. You shut your eyes, and pretend to sleep. It was your own version of poker face, a brave face you put on when you feel he is about to leave because you do not want him to see the pain in your eyes when exits your room at the crack of dawn to become the idol Kim Hyunjoong again. You could not afford to lose the last piece of pride left in you, and so you pretend to be the brave woman that others see you as.
Like a million times before, he pushes himself off your bed thinking you are still asleep. Goes to the bathroom to splash some water on his pretty face, picks up his clothes from the floor, and dresses up getting ready to leave.
Judging from the his footsteps, he was seconds away from leaving the room then exiting your apartment. But, he paused. He was in front of you.
'What are you doing?', you wanted to scream.
Still, he lingered on. He stooped low and let his long icy fingers stroke your disheveled hair, then your cheeks and jaw. You could feel your insides melting at his touch.
You could have opened your eyes and flung your arms around his neck, but you were afraid that you might not be able to let him go.
His fingers could not seem to part from your burning cheeks. Your nerves have gone haywire. The smell of uncertainty was pungent and venomous. He was uncertain about leaving you again. And, you were uncertain of his feelings for you.
So you remain in bed, you continue to pretend to be in deep slumber.
He started to back away.
'Go on', you silently encouraged him.
Hyunjoong starts to open the door, looks at you one last time before he leaves
'Go on, boy. Take another little piece of my heart', you wanted to tell him, 'Go on and break another piece of me.'
You open your eyes watching his back slowly disappearing from the hallway.
You let out a sarcastic smirk, 'There goes another piece of my heart, another heartbreak.'
You stared at the ceiling feeling the pain being washed away by the pure and first few rays of the morning sun. You ask yourself the same question you have asked yourself for the hundredth time, 'Why does it hurt so much to act tough, to put on a brave face whenever he leaves me?'
Days will go by, but you always seem to forget the pain he brings when he comes stumbling in your bedroom late at night. And it seems, you always end up saying, 'Hey babe, have another piece of my heart.'
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